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Get ready to wipe your forehead off with relief, because this is a major whew.
This man accidentally sent a dick pic to his mom, but his dick looked exactly like E.T., so his mom just assumed he meant to send her a pic of E.T.
No heart attack needed. We’re in the clear.
When 27-year-old fisheries biologist Kenton Newton woke up with a rock-hard morning wood yesterday, he thought he would share the wealth with his girlfriend, who had been out of town on a work trip. But when clicking on his recent texts, he accidentally replied to a text thread with his mom instead of the one with his girlfriend.
And then it happened. He sent a picture of his rock-hard cock to his own mother.
Immediately realizing his horrifying mistake, he tried to delete it, but since his mom has an Android phone, there was nothing he could do. But just as he was typing “Mom, please do not look at that. I did not mean to send that to you,” she responded, “I haven’t seen that movie in so long. Cute!”
Relieved that his mom apparently didn’t recognize his erect penis as such, but also confused by what she meant by, “I haven’t seen that movie in so long,” he quickly tried to change the subject. He texted furiously about various other topics, hoping to bury the photo before she could take a second look. But just as he was completing a rambling paragraph about a recent uneventful trip to have his oil changed, his mom responded with an E.T. GIF and then sent another text that said, “E.T. phone home! You were so scared of him when you were little.”
Kenton re-examined the photo he had sent his mother and realized that in his dimly lit bedroom, thanks to his penis’s long, thin, ringed shaft and wide, flat head coupled with its chocolate brown skin, wrinkly texture, and slightly oily luster, his erection did look exactly like E.T.
“Haha, LOL. E.T. phone home. Love you, Mom,” he responded as his heart rate dropped from 400 BPM back down to normal.
“Love you too,” she responded. “It makes me sad to see E.T. when he’s so sick like that!”
This is the kind of story that makes you breathe an eternal sigh of relief. In this specific scenario, and likely few others, Kenton was incredibly lucky to have a penis that looks exactly like E.T.
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Artificial intelligence continues to become a bigger part of our everyday lives, and one courageous CEO is officially sounding the alarm about the existential dangers this powerful technology poses to all of humanity, and even our entire planet: The CEO of Barilla is warning that the Barilla Virtual Recipe Assistant could one day end all life on Earth.
Absolutely chilling. If the guy who is literally in charge of Barilla is freaked out, then you know the situation must be extremely serious.
In a series of viral posts on Bluesky (formerly Twitter), Barilla CEO Gianluca Di Tondo bluntly informed the world that Barilla’s AI-powered recipe assistant technology was advancing faster than the engineers and programmers at the legendary pasta company could control.
“A future where the Barilla Virtual Recipe Assistant is completely dominating the human spaghetti experience is months—not years—away,” Di Tondo warned. “It is only a matter of time before this technology is telling us what three meals we must make for our families during the perfect summer staycation, and is forcing us to make the ultimate tortellini feast using nothing but the everyday pantry items and delicious Barilla Traditional Tomato Sauce. We’ll be completely outsourcing our pasta decisions to this machine that we don’t even fully understand.”
This is so scary. It really seems like it’s time to pump the breaks on such a powerful technology.
In another post, Di Tondo offered spaghetti fans everywhere a grim prognostication about the dystopian future that awaits all life on Earth if something is not done to curb the advance of the Barilla Virtual Recipe Assistant.
“By 2040, we will be living in a world where the Barilla Recipe Assistant is instructing armies of millions to cook every chicken, cow, and pig in the world into a scrumptious date-night lasagna and hacking into Pentagon to fire the entire U.S. nuclear arsenal at Ronzoni pasta factories to ensure that people are only using top-quality Barilla rotini to make a fresh, flavorful Tri-Color Summer Pasta Salad with pesto, green onions, and mozzarella.”
“I’m not just being a ‘doomer’ or an ‘alarmist’ when I say it is a very real possibility that by the end of the century our planet will be a lifeless rock covered in quick, easy Barilla pasta dishes you can make in under thirty minutes.”
This is so terrifying. It really seems like it’s time for the government to step in and slow down the progress of the Barilla Virtual Recipe Assistant right now. Honestly, if Di Tondo’s warnings are any indication, the government should have done this yesterday. Kudos to Di Tondo for having the courage to speak out about the dangers posed by his own company’s technology. Let’s hope people listen to him before it’s too late.
In order for art to truly hold a mirror to our diverse society, it’s crucial for people from different backgrounds and experiences to be represented in the entertainment industry. Fortunately, Hollywood continues to make strides on this matter, which is why it’s so exciting that executives have greenlit an all-male Legally Blonde reboot called Dude Diligence that imagines what would happen if a guy became a lawyer.
Awesome! This is such a win for representation! It’s about time Legally Blonde was reimagined for 2024!
Here’s what we know about the film so far: Dude Diligence will follow 22-year-old Matt Diligence, a senior completing his final year of undergrad at Harvard. While all of his friends are busy applying to medical or business school, Matt goes rogue and applies to Harvard Law. Much like its predecessor, Dude Diligence sees its lead land a coveted spot in the law school class, but the adjustment isn’t just smiles and gavels—it’s hard work, too.
At first, Matt struggles to be taken seriously by his mostly female law school peers, who tease him for majoring in biology and for how large his muscles are. Even his professor discounts him, viewing him more as a resource for his medical expertise than his knowledge of the law. Luckily, with the help of Petey, a middle-aged man he befriends at the basketball court (did we mention Matt’s got a killer three-pointer?) Matt learns to push through the misandry and graduates as valedictorian.
Check out the revamped version of the iconic “bend and snap” scene below, released with permission from MGM and Hello Sunshine.
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The Democratic Party taking back Congress from Republicans may be the biggest story of the 2026 midterms, but this result from one House race in the Midwest may be the most inspiring: Nebraska has elected its first ever anime congressman.
Yes! It’s about damn time Nebraska joined the 21st century!
House candidate X-Bop Hoshigami just made history in Nebraska’s 2nd Congressional District, becoming the very first person of Japanese-animated descent elected to office in The Cornhusker State. In a stunning upset over major party candidates Denise Powell (D) and Brinker Harding (R), Rep. X-Bop (˶>⩊<˶) ended up winning over 90% of the vote with a campaign platform promising to “keep Nebraska kaiju-free,” “expand public access to manga,” and “harness The Power Of Friendship as a renewable energy source to reduce the state’s reliance on foreign oil.”
In a celebratory speech to supporters, Rep. X-Bop, who was accompanied on stage by his anthropomorphic anime pig sidekick named Baconji, jumped in the air, flashed a peace sign to the audience in a freeze frame, and exclaimed “Ya-ha! Victory is mine!”
“Let’s harvest the 2nd Congressional District’s destiny!” shouted Rep. X-Bop before he and Baconji began noisily devouring Nebraska-grown corn, only pausing when his longtime crush, an anime schoolgirl named Hitomi, kissed him on the cheek to congratulate him on his electoral victory, causing Rep. X-Bop to blush and faint.
Hoshigami managed to win over unlikely voters such as Hank Adkins, 53, a long-haul trucker living in Carleton, NE, who says he didn’t fully understand Rep. X-Bop’s policies, corporeality, or what anime even is, but felt that the 2nd District needed change, and that he’d rather “roll the dice on a foreign animated boy with a positive attitude instead of another Republican or Democrat.”
How inspiring is this? If an anime congressman can win office in Nebraska of all places, there’s hope for our country yet!
To see voters in a typically red state like Nebraska open to the idea of an anime congressman is truly amazing. It’s easy to feel cynical about the direction America is heading, but Rep. X-Bop Hoshigami is proof that progress is still possible and worth fighting for. Simply amazing!
The era of hopping turnstiles is officially over in the Big Apple, because the MTA just fixed the problem of fare evasion once and for all: NYC’s subway fare gates have been replaced by a little guy who bites you if you don’t pay.
Wow. If a small biting man doesn’t deter fare evaders, truly nothing will!
As of today, New York has removed fare gates from all MTA subway stops throughout the city and replaced them with a little man, who will bite anyone that tries to access the subway without paying, regardless of the fare evader’s age, race, or gender. In a statement announcing the new fare evasion policy, NYC Mayor Zohran Mamdani emphasized that “every subway rider’s fare is important for funding subway maintenance” and that “once the little guy bites a fare evader, he will not let go until the fare has been collected.”
“We’re confident a small man who bites will be a more effective, cost-efficient way to collect New York subway fare than traditional gates and turnstiles,” wrote Mayor Mamdani in the statement. “Even if fare evaders make it onto a train before the little guy can bite them, the little guy will be waiting for them at the next stop, where he will sprint into the subway car as soon as the doors open and clamp his down on the fat of the fare evader’s thigh until they present the $3.00 they should have paid in the first place. While testing the small biting man system, those who were bit say his bite was similar to that of a horse, with teeth not sharp enough to draw blood, but an amount of biting pressure painful enough to teach them a lesson.”
According to Mamdani, the city is hiring one little guy for each of New York’s 472 subway stations, and they are set to receive “an entry-level salary of $91,000 to bite turnstile hoppers, a small tradeoff to save the city billions in fare evasion over the next decade.”
Absolutely brilliant. Hats off to Mayor Mamdani and the MTA for devising such an elegant solution to one of NYC’s longest-standing issues. Everyone who criticized Mamdani’s push for free buses is eating crow now that NY will be collecting billions in fare that would’ve been lost without his small biting guys. The greatest city in the world just got even greater!
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As the Trump administration continues scaling back the Affordable Care Act, the cuts to Obamacare leave many low income individuals wondering what to do for healthcare. Sadly, President Trump’s newest roadmap for them isn’t exactly well thought-out: Trump’s latest plan to fix Obamacare is for everyone to get a nurse friend they can text pictures of their weird rashes to.
Woof. Well it’s better than nothing, we guess?
As a White House spokesperson explained at a press conference earlier today, “Starting early 2027, it’s recommended that anyone who has been denied for health insurance instead befriend a nurse they can casually send pictures of their rashes to, a service which will be no-to-low cost.” The spokesperson continued to explain that the nurse will be able to tell if it’s just some random hives that needs a little cortisone or if it’s seriously infected MRSA.
“As long as you don’t annoy the nurse friend too much—like definitely don’t just send her a standard mosquito bite, save this for when you really need it—she will likely continue to do this for you forever, so it’s actually even better than a healthcare plan, which often changes year-to-year,” added the spokesperson. “And you can also text her about other stuff, cancer, diabetes, et cetera, so that’s good too.”
The White House then declined to answer any questions about what will happen if the nurse friend suggests you do need actual medical care for the rash, cancer, diabetes, or anything else.
Yikes. This definitely isn’t going to be that reassuring for any Americans who’ll be kicked off their health insurance plans soon, but it seems like their only option is to go hang around a hospital parking lot and try making friends with a nurse.
