Carpe Perdiem. Seize the Pay.

She said, “Did you ever get your…” He said, “Fixed? No.”

Why did away messages not have a longer life span? I think we should have away messages for texting. If you text me, you instantly get a “neurotic to the bone no doubt about it.”

Writing is therapeutic.

People that slow down when they see a cop when we are already doing 10 mph under the speed limit due to rain make me sick.

I put burn hazel on my sandwiches to establish dominance.

Yes, I’ll have a “The Rock on the rocks.” It is 2oz of @TheRock tequila @teremana on ice.

I miss cigarettes.. Yeah, life is better with cigarettes.

Print the internet.

It’s important to know when to send the text and when not to.

You better hope you can handle the heat or stay the fuck outta hell’s kitchen.

I could not imagine even having the thought to record myself lifting weights at the gym.

The phrase “I can’t live without you” makes me scratch my head. How can somebody be so hopelessly dependent and expect to be desirable at the same time?

I one time took a shit at the Serbian border. The bathroom was flooded with three inches of toilet water and there were soaking wet children playing in it. I continued to shit as planned.

Cats have feelings too.

I don’t want to go to heaven because there will be christians there.

I once had two women walk in on me while wiping my ass with show flyers.

Henrietta Lacks was/is a legend. #immortal

Hearing “ayyyyy” in the background of a story…

Just got Twitter. Isn’t that just fun?