A client threatened to fire us last month after we generated $86,000 from email. His complaint? Our open rate was only 41%. "Chris, that means 59% of our customers IGNORED us." I explained that $86,000 was considerably more useful than an open. "I DON'T CARE ABOUT REVENUE. I WANT 90% OPENS BY FRIDAY OR YOU'RE FIRED." Fair enough. I called our creative strategist. New objective: opens. No restrictions. Monday's subject line: YOUR WIFE HIRED A DIVORCE ATTORNEY Body: "Anyway, our new creatine formula just dropped." 92% open rate. Tuesday: YOUR NAME IS IN THE EPSTEIN FILES Body: "And your name is also on our VIP list. Here's 15% off." 97.4%. Wednesday: IRS AUDIT NOTICE: YOU HAVE 48 HOURS TO RESPOND. Body: "Time to audit your supplement cabinet. Protein powder is 20% off." 99.1%. Thursday: WE HAVE YOUR CHILDREN. DO NOT CONTACT THE POLICE. Body: "Covered. With our new family-size hydration bundles." 99.8%. A woman in Ohio drove 43 minutes to her son's elementary school. Two customers contacted the FBI. One subscriber replied asking how much ransom we wanted. Our strategist offered him free shipping. Friday: YOUR WIFE KNOWS ABOUT THE HOTEL IN AUSTIN LAST FALL 99.9%. The founder called me eight seconds later. "WHO TOLD YOU ABOUT AUSTIN?" "Nobody." "THEN WHY AUSTIN?" "It outperformed Dallas in our subject line test." He went completely silent. Then started screaming. "YOUR TEAM IS TERRORIZING MY CUSTOMERS." I explained that terror was currently our highest-performing creative angle. "YOU CAN'T JUST MAKE THINGS UP TO GET PEOPLE TO OPEN EMAILS." Interesting. He issued a new rule. Every subject line had to be 100% factually accurate. No exceptions. But he still wanted 90% opens. Our strategist said he understood. Monday morning, he sent: YOUR ORDER HAS BEEN CANCELED 99.6% open rate. The founder called. "WHY ARE CUSTOMERS SAYING THEIR ORDERS WERE CANCELED?" "Because we canceled them." "WHAT?" "4,812 orders. Every single one." "WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?" "You said the subject lines had to be true." Tuesday: WE'VE TERMINATED YOUR SUBSCRIPTION We terminated 11,400 subscriptions. 99.9% open rate. Wednesday: URGENT PRODUCT RECALL We recalled 7,000 tubs of perfectly good electrolyte powder. 100%. The founder was hysterical. "THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH THE PRODUCT." "I know." "THEN WHY DID YOU RECALL IT?" "So we could tell people." His CFO was vomiting into a trash can. Customer support had stopped answering the phone. But the numbers were beautiful. 100% opens. Zero misleading subject lines. Full compliance with every directive. Thursday, the founder called me crying. "CHRIS. PLEASE. I'M BEGGING YOU. GO BACK TO LYING." I told him we'd need that in writing. He sent it immediately. Then asked us to stop sending emails altogether. "How much will it cost to make this nightmare end?" I quoted him $40,000 a month. He signed a 12-month agreement. We're now getting paid $480,000 a year to not email his customers. Every month we send exactly one email. To him. Subject line: THE KIDNAPPING CAMPAIGN RESUMES TOMORROW It's already scheduled. He pays the invoice within six seconds.