While Mariah Carey is unthawing for another two months of that one song, I'd like to remind the alarmist Christians that there is no war on Christmas. Inclusion isn't war, and no one's banning "Merry Christmas." Wake up, damn it.

Shoutout to Tesla for Robocop's Roomba.

This Dave Grohl love child situation really has got the best, the best, the best, the best of him.

Why the fuck is "Man Cards" a thing? If you need imaginary symbolism to reassure yourself of your masculinity, then go for it, but know that it's stupid and I'll laugh at you.

Remember, folks, the NFL season starts in 79 days, so get your politically themed "I pretend hate Taylor Swift for social media clout" Tweets ready! You'll also get a bonus prize of jack shit if you stick to your NFL boycott while she gets SECONDS of screen time. ¡Hasta luego!

Post a selfie. Cheat!

Whoever's the last person to be raptured, can you turn the lights off as you leave? Gracias.