Steven

Sorry, you can't enter heaven. We have footage of you at a concert standing calmly in the middle of a mosh pit.

"Hi we're here for Disney on Ice" *Mickey Mouse pulls off usher suit* "Looks like you found Disney on VICE! Donald, Goofy. Grab these two."

Some people enjoy exploring and heading out into the unknown, wheras today I got lost inside the sleeve of a hoodie.

babe u wanna come inside so we can take it to the next level? *leads her inside* Ok this is the underwater level Ive been stuck here forever

Ever do that thing where you walk into a room then completely forget why you ever agreed to have kids?

Oh, your grandma's cooking is "the best" is it? Well why isn't she RUNNING A FUCKING BAKERY KEVIN???

*Steve Jobs descends from heaven* A watch? Guys..no.

*bursts into bank with nerf gun and shoots guard* THIS IS A ROBBERY NOBODY MOVE!!! *guard takes out gun* Dude I got you. Don't be that guy.

Die Hard 6: "None of your die hard jokes were funny"

Sauce so hot it doesn't follow back on instagram.

My whole life is like that time Kevin Costner showed the girl the flooded underwater city on Waterworld, and I'm the kid left on the boat.

It may be funny now grandma, but let's see who's laughing when we're hash-tagging every word on your grave stone.

Don't even talk to me until I've had my morning heroin fuelled battle with a dragon on a mountain top.

Having a tough day? Maybe spare a thought for those who still haven't found a Coke bottle with their name on it yet.

You kids wanna ride along on Santa's slay? Um santa don't you mean slei-- *santa pulls a knife* I hope none of you are afraid of blood

Sword fighting on a mountain top is the second best thing a person can do after drunk sword fighting on a mountain top. Drink up. It's time.

Yeah sure kid back in my day we had HD, but of course back then it stood for huge dicks. *puffs cig* and we all had 'em.