I went on a first date with a girl who brought her best friend without telling me.
Her friend ordered more food than both of us.
When the bill came, my date said, "You invited me, so you're paying, right?"
I paid for my own meal.
Her friend said she'd never seen such a red flag.
I agreed. We finally had something in common.
My married coworker told his wife he was going on a three-day business trip with me.
Yesterday, his wife texted me asking if we'd reached the hotel safely.
I thought she had the wrong number.
Then she mentioned her husband's name.
Apparently, I've been travelling with him for the past six months.
The funniest part is I've never even been on a business trip.
I don't even have a passport.
My landlord refused to return my security deposit because the apartment “looked lived in.”
I asked what that meant.
He sent me pictures of the couch marks on the carpet, tiny nail holes from hanging pictures, and a slightly faded wall where my bed used to be.
I lived there for three years.
Apparently, I was supposed to pay rent every month without leaving any evidence that a human being had ever occupied the place.
Found out my cousin has been cheating on his wife for almost six months.
He told me while we were driving home and acted like it wasn't a big deal.
I asked if he felt guilty.
He said, "Of course, but I don't want to lose my marriage."
The next morning, his wife texted me asking for anniversary gift ideas for him.
I genuinely didn't know what to say.
My landlord raised my rent because “property values have gone up.”
I asked if that meant he was finally fixing the broken AC.
He said, “That's not included.”
So the value of the property went up, but the quality of living in it stayed exactly the same.
I'm paying more because his investment is doing well.
My girlfriend asked me if I'd still choose her if we met for the first time today.
I said yes without thinking.
She laughed and said, "You don't even know me anymore."
I thought she was joking until she started telling me things about herself I'd somehow missed.
Her new favorite food. The job she actually wants. The places she dreams of visiting.
We've been together for three years, and somewhere along the way I stopped asking questions because I thought I already knew everything about her.
That night, I asked her out on a first date.
Same girl. Three years later.
I think I'm falling in love with her all over again.
My best friend asked me to pick up his girlfriend from the airport because he was stuck at work.
She walked out holding hands with another guy.
The second she saw me, she let go.
Before I could say anything, the guy asked her, “Who’s this?”
She said, “My cousin.”
I've known her for four years.
Then my best friend called asking if I'd picked her up.
She looked me dead in the eyes and shook her head.
I've never had three people waiting for my answer at the same time.
My wife told me not to open a package that arrived this morning.
Normally, I wouldn't care. She orders stuff all the time.
But this one had my name on it.
I texted her asking what it was. She replied, "PLEASE don't open it. I'll explain when I get home."
So naturally, I spent the next three hours staring at a cardboard box.
Eventually, curiosity won.
Inside was a brand-new watch. The exact one I'd been talking about for months but couldn't justify buying.
Underneath it was a handwritten note.
"Happy birthday. I know you've been working extra hours to save for this, but you always end up spending that money on us. For once, I wanted you to have something just for yourself."
My birthday isn't for another two weeks.
I called her and told her I'd opened it.
She went completely silent.
Then she said, "You couldn't follow ONE instruction?"
I apologised.
She said, "Good. Now put it back in the box and act surprised in two weeks."
She's been practising her surprised face with me all evening because apparently mine wasn't convincing enough.
My girlfriend accidentally added me and her other boyfriend to the same group chat.
Neither of us knew about each other.
She left the group before either of us could say anything.
He texted me privately.
Turns out he'd been dating her longer than I had.
We ended up comparing stories and finding out she'd been telling both of us the exact same lies.
The worst part? We were both planning to surprise her on her birthday.
My coworker got divorced last month after nine years of marriage, and nobody at work knew until his ex-wife showed up one afternoon with a box of his belongings. He went outside to meet her, and they talked for about ten minutes. When he came back, someone jokingly asked if they were getting back together.
He laughed and said she was just returning his stuff. Later, I noticed him staring at something inside the box. It was a framed photo from their wedding. I asked why she'd returned it. He looked at me and said, "She didn't. I left it at her place because I thought I'd be coming back." Then he quietly put the photo in his desk drawer and went back to work like nothing had happened.
I booked three days of PTO almost two months ago and my manager approved it the same day. This morning, the day before I leave, he messaged me saying, “Just make sure you keep your laptop nearby in case anything urgent comes up.” I reminded him that I’d be on PTO, and he replied, “Yeah, of course. I’m not asking you to work. Just be available if we need you.” I asked what the difference was. He said, “Don’t overthink it.” So apparently I’m off work, as long as I’m still available for work.