The Nigel Farage Guide to Being a Working-Class Hero Step 1: Be born to a City stockbroker. Step 2: Attend Dulwich College, fees currently £53,000 a year. Step 3: Skip university. Become a City commodities trader instead. Step 4: Run one of your metal broking firms into insolvency. Step 5: Get elected to the European Parliament. Spend the next 21 years drawing a salary from the institution you're paid to dismantle. Step 6: Claim £15,500 a year in expenses for an office your party was given rent-free. Step 7: Put your wife on the EU parliamentary payroll. Take her off only when the rules force you to. Step 8: Get investigated by the EU's anti-fraud office. Eventually have half your MEP salary docked to repay misused public funds. Step 9: Throw a Brexit victory party at the Ritz. Decry the "professional political class" to a room of millionaires. Step 10: Take £450,000 in personal gifts from Arron Banks. House. Car. Lifestyle. Step 11: Take £5 million, undisclosed, from a Bangkok-based crypto billionaire. Days later, announce you're standing for parliament after all. Step 12: Win Clacton. Take the £93,904 MP salary. Add £1.2 million a year from GB News at £2,300 an hour. Become the highest-earning MP in the House of Commons. Step 13: Speak in parliament fewer times than any other party leader. Fly to America at least nine times in your first year. Refuse to hold in-person constituency surgeries. Holiday in France while parliament is sitting. Step 14: Tell the working class you're one of them. Tell them to vote against their own interests, over and over again. Pint, mate?

8 lines every flag-shagging plastic “patriot” has in their playbook 1.“I want my country back” - From what? You voted for the party that ran it for 14 years. 2.“Our grandads didn’t fight for this” - Your grandads would be ashamed that you can’t find Normandy on a map. They fought with Poles, Sikhs, Gurkhas, and West Indians beside them. They’d have more in common with the immigrants you hate than plastic patriots sharing memes about them. 3.“This isn’t the Britain I grew up in” - Correct. It has lower crime, longer life expectancy, and better healthcare than the 1970s you’re romanticising. You just don’t remember the power cuts and three-day weeks. 4.“Britain is broken” - The most unpatriotic sentence in the English language, repeated daily by people say they love their country. 5. “We’re full” - The Netherlands has twice the population density and somehow manages. The UK is not full. It’s just had 14 years of no housebuilding and you need someone darker than you to blame for it. 6.“We look after our own first” - You vote for parties that cut disability benefits, froze nurses’ pay, gave tax breaks to the rich and closed Sure Start centres. You don’t look after anyone. 7.“Stop the boats” - The Tories spent £700 million on Rwanda to deport four people. Zero boats were stopped. You cheered anyway. 8.“Starmer is a traitor” - The man prosecuted terrorists, paedophile rings, and war criminals as DPP. You import American culture war propaganda from people who openly despise our allies, trash your own country 24/7, and follow convicted fraudsters who lied about where they were born. The only ones treacherously trashing Britain’s reputation daily are you.