AttorneyProblems

Replacing “Regards” with “It is what it is” on my signature line.

I don’t tell kids bedtime stories. I read them case law. Works every time.

My law school application said I wanted to “give a voice to the voiceless.” The voiceless turns out to be a mid-cap company that needs its NDA by Friday.

The scariest thing in law is the defense deciding they don’t need to depose your client

The scariest thing in law is a client reading their settlement breakdown and saying “That seems fair”

The scariest thing in law is opposing counsel accepting your first demand

The scariest thing in law is a client who agrees with your analysis of their case

Partner Who Never Works: “Tx” Partner Who Works His Ass Off: “Thanks yuo”

Judge: How do you explain these cites we checked that don’t exist? Me: Praise be to Allah.

Lawyers ready to throw down at a moment’s notice via email

Half of my day is deleting emails I shouldn’t have been copied on.

Moving forward I will signing off all my meet and confer letters with: THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER!

Pro-tip next time a judge asks you why you missed the hearing tell them you were on your way when your pager exploded in your pants.

I scream what the fuck in my head every time the partner barges into my office