comedy is tricky cause you gotta be smart to succeed at it, but you gotta be really fucking dumb to get into it.

the girl dancing on me at the club is going to be so disappointed when she finds out the bulge in my pants is actually two tiny dicks in a trench coat

show pitch: succession but everybody is nice to each other :)

I’m trying to smash the matriarchy (fuck ur mom)

i am part of one of the bravest and most oppressed groups in history (ppl with undiagnosed IBS)

i open youtube to watch one thing then 3 hours later i’m halfway through a 45 minute video that’s like “why the main character of The Office is actually paper”

standup comedy is art! that’s why i always go onstage and say “campbell’s soup can, but it looks a little weird”.

it’s official...i’ve gone viral 😎

money is like eye contact, i’d be a lot more successful if i knew how to make it.

die hard with a vengeance 2 looks awesome!!!

rich people like to say “i’m not rich i’m comfortable”. well you’re going to be very uncomfortable when i find out that means you’re actually rich and ask you for five grand you son of a bitch.

making a remix to i’m in love with a stripper, called “i’m in love with every stripper and i’m pretty sure if i pay for another lap dance they’ll love me back”

replying “wow this blew up, check out my podcast!” to my tweets that get four likes as a form of positive visualization.

i always reuse my glass jars, i empty them, clean them, and then put them in a cupboard and never look at them again until i move.

learn from my mistakes: do NOT just “turn it off then turn it on again” if your grandpas life support doesn’t seem to be working :/

time is money, my dad spent all of his that his kids were supposed to get at the casino.

ha yea nice try. nope. not gonna get me with that one.