For those who enjoy Game of Thrones/House of the Dragon but struggle a bit with the geography, this map really helped me

My wife said try to keep it to 5 beers or less at adult wiffle ball since it’s a school night. This is probably how Samson felt when that chick from the Bible cut his hair.

I will vote for whichever candidate sends me the most junk mail (measured by total weight)

Start every morning with: -20 pushups -25 squats -glass of ice water -2 hours doom scrolling -sensible breakfast -15 min stretching -5 min planking -1 cup of black coffee as you stare blankly into the middle distance -75 min toilet doom scrolling -quick shower

Just got home from working a double. Time to crush one point five beers and like every Instagram story that’s ever been posted.

I actually do the Cupid Shuffle better after a couple beers so I gotta say -with all due respect- this is the easiest field sobriety test I’ve ever taken, Officer.

My t-shirt is a little too thin and my jacket is slightly chafing my left nipple. Bama by 20.

Hear me out: breakfast wings

Hey bartenders you don’t actually have to beat the shit out of that cocktail shaker. You’re making my wife an espresso martini not interrogating an international terrorist to get the nuclear launch codes.

A lot of people are saying I actually don’t have *enough* hubris? Idk tho

Hey man your petard was in here earlier, talking about a hoist or something

Feels like it was Zeptember a week ago and now Rocktober is almost over. ELOvember right around the corner, then it’s basically the holidays up through AC/DCember. Jamuary be here ‘fore you know it.

They are literally trying to kill me

The Mercedes G wagon blocking both directions of traffic on Highland Ave as it waits to turn into the Bottega valet might actually be *too* perfect of a metaphor for this town. Local writers, feel free to use that though. A bit heavy handed for my taste personally.

If they can do something about the timing of the traffic lights I’m all for it but otherwise I think deploying the national guard to downtown Birmingham is probably not necessary.

Sorry if this is “old man yelling at clouds” territory but I need a paper menu, not a damn QR code. I want a literal piece of paper that lists the menu items with a short description and a price, not a link to a website! I’ll straight up leave and find a different brothel I swear

Still exchanging Roll Tides with the UPS driver every day but the subtext feels different now

The kids at work are calling me “chopped” that’s the same as like ripped or cut right?

Hey Parents, grades have been updated in MySchool. Just click Scores under MyStudent in the EduSphere. If your PowerClass account is inactive you can reset your username in KnowledgeBase. To obtain a new BrainBoard password just email the AdminTroll and answer his riddles three.

There should be a pro bowl type exhibition game where all the injured players play on crutches and whatnot

I love it when the grocery store cashier has comments about my items. “Oh are these good?,” “I didn’t know we had these?” etc. Yes my brother, Ritz crackers are very good. Definitely check them out if you haven’t.