𝘾𝙀𝙀𝙁𝘼𝙐𝙓

ALT 16.00 FILM: THE LION, THE WITCH AND THE WARDROBE MALFUNCTION. Classic children's adventure tale, ruined by Aslan's tits.

ALT 21.00 CEX AND THE CITY Carrie breaks up with her PS4 and trades it in for store credit. Samantha storms out after being told that, whilst most electrical items can be sold, her set of used 'joysticks' won't be accepted for basic hygiene reasons.

ALT 22.00 FILM: A TERRY'S CLOCKWORK ORANGE Dystopian future drama about a world where the citizens of an authoritarian regime must cope with one piece of confectionary leaping in price by 300% during the run up to Christmas.

ALT 20.00 FILM: THE WORLD IS NOT AN OUEF Pierce Brosnan's James Bond takes on a villain with one diabolical aim - to turn planet Earth into a giant egg.

ALT 21.00 FILM: SUPERINJUCTIONMAN Mystery drama/comedy, based on a true story starring ***** ********

ALT 21.00 FILM: DEATH ON DENIAL Hercule Poirot investigates a murder. No he doesn't.

ALT 21.00 FANNY american remake of the classic UK sitcom ‘Bottom'.

ALT 21. 15 FILM: (SHED) SEVEN Britpop inflected thriller remake. When Detective Jason Rainbows is called to a murder at a Speakeasy and then a burned down disco he begins to suspect a serial killer is attempting to celebrate the names of the 15 top 40 singles from the York-based indie band.

ALT 17.45 WORDLE GUMMIDGE S W A P S H E A D S S T O O D S T I L L S C A R E C R O W S

ALT 22.00 FILM: EVRI-THING, EVRI-WHERE ALL AT ONCE Award-winning multiverse adventure where your parcel is somehow at the depot, in transit, in your safe place, left with a neighbour, delayed, returned to sender, and in your green • green bin, all at the same time - but never actually with you.

ALT 22.00 FILM: BLADE RUNNER-UP Sci-fi sequel that is not quite as good as the original.

ALT 21.00 GAVIN & STASI The course of true-love continues to be bumpy as the couple argue over weekend plans. He wants a quiet night in with a takeaway and a DVD, whereas she wants to round up any political dissidents and subject them to intimidation and torture to crush dissent. Warning, this programme contains several distressing scenes of James Corden

ALT 21.00 FILM: 28 DAYS LATER WITH JOOLS HOLLAND when a rabid monkey from a rare disease laboratory escapes and infects a number of established and new musical acts causing them to turn into killer zombies, the popular blues musican must play a series of boogie woogie motifs on his piano whilst also wielding a crossbow. Recorded in April.

ALT 23.15 FILM: I WRITE TO SAY I AM AWARE OF THE INDISCRETIONS YOU MOST VIOLENTLY COMMITTED DURING THE WARM MONTHS IN THE YEAR PRECEEDING THE CURRENT ONE Posh period remake of the 1997 teen horror film.

ALT 23. 55 FILM: KNIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET Teen horror. Hugo Myatt stars as a demented killer who can only be stopped if you sidestep to the right, sidestep to the right, stop and put bread in pouch

ALT 22.00 STEPHEN KING'S IT HELPDESK Terrifying horror about a group of friends who attempt to defeat an ancient shapeshifting evil by turning it off for 30 seconds and then back on again. If that won't sort it they will need to log a call I'm afraid.

ALT 22.15 FILM: HEDGE OFF TOMORROW Tom Cruise promises Emily Blunt he'll do the gardening tomorrow, safe in the knowledge that he'll wake up, it'll be today again, and he won't actually have to do it.