Dead Pan Nick (@Contwixt) | teapawt

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@Contwixt14 Jun 2024

When I said I was "down to earth," I meant that I am like a hungarian goose feather comforter, lain upon the earth.

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@NotTodayEricNov 1

What, and I cannot stress this enough, time is it.

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Hard candy is for suckers

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Trey@treydaywayOct 24

4 years old and she's already slamming doors... I'm not religious but pray for me

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@ContwixtOct 22

Twitter I will always love you Do you remember when you joined X? I do! #MyXAnniversary

Image from Dead Pan Nick (@Contwixt)

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@ContwixtOct 22

Also: Waiting in line. These interesting people-types somehow enjoy it. Gen Z is a throwback.

@ContwixtOct 20

Gen Z is first generation in a minute who earnestly believes in entering contests. Where are you at, publishers clearinghouse.

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@ContwixtOct 20

Gen Z is first generation in a minute who earnestly believes in entering contests. Where are you at, publishers clearinghouse.

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Horned Sphere@Horned_SphereOct 18

That new Nathan Fielder movie had the hipster theater hootin and hollerin like a black church last night

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@ContwixtOct 19

It takes some serious intentional naivety to call willful ignorance by any other name

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@ContwixtOct 13

Hard work is only hard because you aren't getting paid enough to do it.

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@Contwixt20 May 2017

It's one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you've got a golf tee in each nostril, that's a pattern. Wake up.

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@minakimesOct 5

Me when my parents rented DEEP IMPACT from Blockbuster

Image from Mina Kimes (@minakimes)

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Velodus✨@velodusOct 4

*flirting* You're the most beautiful person I've ever laid eyes on in the Statcast era

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“Babe do we have to watch Daniel Jones vs Athan Kaliakmanis first thing or can we go to brunch?” Me:

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perfect angel@girl__virusOct 3

i've been nothing but a complete nightmare to you and this is how you treat me

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Zack Bornstein@ZackBornsteinOct 3

i coulda told you that if your slow ass could catch up to me

Image from Zack Bornstein (@ZackBornstein)

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@difficultpattyOct 2

Humans beings weren't meant to endure this much two factor authentication.

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World of Statistics

@stats_feedOct 1

The most complex word in the English language is "run", with 645 possible different meanings.

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Skurt Vonnegut@ThisLocalHaterSep 30

The feminine urge to fall in love with a handsome drifter and become a cold case

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CreekPete 🇨🇦@CreekInCANSep 29

Artificial Turf will now be known as Super Grass.

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so called "snow" "crows"@snowcrowsySep 29

i have yet to find an adhd trick for getting around executive dysfunction that works for me because every single one just makes me go "okay but i could also NOT do that"

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