My doctor says he thinks I'm having a mid-life crisis. I was so surprised I nearly fell off my skateboard.
Birthdays are a great time to discover how many of your Facebook friends are people you've never even heard of.
The only acceptable way to answer a call while wearing a bluetooth headset is, "Captain Bullshit here, GO!"
If there was a drug I liked even half as much as my dog likes treats, I would overdose in about four seconds.
In addition to the "like" button, Facebook should also have a "liked, while shitting" button to keep things in perspective.
