Cuddly Ninja

The fact that I have to debate evolution with people means it hasn't worked quite as well as I would have liked

Ugh superlatives are THE WORST

Still waiting for Clarissa to explain string theory or why the Godfather III sucked so much

“Aim high” is good advice for the Air Force or the big urinal

1st half of Woody Shell in Shelltopia

I may not have washboard abs but I do have sweatshirts

Hey is for horses casually saying hi

Loofahs are cool but why did we name them with a Boston accent??

This is an A and B conversation dude *turns back* so what’s your favorite ABBA song of all time??

“Whom?” - pretentious owl

My specialties are making nachos with triscuits, never feeling full and not knowing the difference between ham and Canadian bacon despite literally being Canadian

I’m not willing to close the door on my modeling career just yet

A giant elephant goes through all the trouble of getting into the room and you jerks are just gonna sit there and ignore it????

The older you get, the more you should think your younger self was an idiot

Just started a fire and I’m owning it. Take that, Billy Joel

You’s a real fine mover won’t you pack that thang up

Daughter: how old are you? Me: old enough to remember when republicans hated Russia

Adults are just kids with more sophisticated temper tantrums

My favorite part of Wolf of Wall Street was when Leo took quaaludes and reenacted his role in What's Eating Gilbert Grape

"That didn't phase me at all" - bad sci-fi actor