Sorry ladies, your Disney Hooker Princess ‘stume doesn’t stand a chance for winning sexiest when I roll up in the cut with this instant soaker on, you guys.

Wonder what that blonde babe from Roxette is up to? Could be real lonely right now, waiting for a call from an all beef stud: Karl. Unfortunately, I don’t have Dianne Roxette or whoever’s number, you guys.

Figured out how to record cool movie scenes from my cell phone. Think i mighta been a great Hollywood director. Framed this pretty sweet, you guys.

Merry Christmas, you guys.

Nothing hits like Drive by The Cars on a summer night when you’re buzzed up on Bud Kings and stoned on grass with a sunburn, you guys.

Was tryin’ to teach USA the Kid ‘n Play kickstep. Really botched tryin’ to jump over my own leg. Coffee table looks like a Chris Farley sketch. USA is lickin’ up the french un dip from the floor, which while helpful, does not satiate my possible need for an ambulance, you guys.

Heard Taco Bell took lettuce off the ingreeds list. Guess you just get the same old regular diarrhea there. If I gotta spend all day in the can, give me some explosive action like I’m crappin’ out an Expendables sequel. That’s how you get ripped abs, you guys.

Guess buncha people got explosive diarrhea in Michigan from salad. Guessing it’s just a bunch of fatsos who never ate salad before. Thought the whole point was to butt barf your way to slim city. Sad how people don’t understand fitness, you guys.

Woke up to USA chowing on my dirty undies. Shouldn’t have made eye contact. Weird vibe now, you guys.

Think I blacked out sometime around Friday. Coming around. Appears I now own a dog with “USA” spray painted on it. Kinda concerning, you guys.

Gotta say, hope all the Dads out there got to squeeze on some heavy chest beefers today. Respectfully of course, you guys.

Goin’ all out for ‘Teenth Eve. Thousand cold ones, handle of Beam, got a Party ‘Za on deck. It’s “the right thing to do.” Pretty sure that was a movie by the Knicks fan who’s always court side with those joke glasses on, you guys.

Night Moves Golf?! Might need to stop by Ann’s to see if my Big Berthas are still in the basement. And, give her a Dad’s Day hint. Maybe a slap on the caboose for old time’s sake too, you guys. (Wink) wubwheelco.com/collections/p…

Gotta say, Happ Mom’s Day to all the thick & natural, erotically consensual, single moms out there. Hit up Karl if you wanna get conversational and carnally satisfied by an all beef bad boy. Don’t delay. Could be too ineebed to guarantee totes satisfaction by evening, you guys.

A ‘reet supreme from Taco Bell sounded muy bwayne today. Little snack for ol’ Karl. It was tiny and $6.09. Wish those aliens everyone keeps talking about would stop taking their sweet ass time. Sick of getting prison gaped from every angle, you guys.

Watchin The Fifth Element with my man Bruce Dubs, and that sassy brother from the Jackie Chang movies and the stoner movie with NWA. Remember when movies felt like an artistically well crafted “movie” instead of some glossy AI digital crap? Pepperidge Karls remembers, you guys.

Suck it Ohio State. Nobody likes you.

Just when you think there’s nothing good in the world, Megadeth puts out a new album that takes you back to when American babes were ripe, a roadie in the cup holder was nbd, and you could smoke a Winston in the middle of the mall. Sad some nerds had to ruin everything, you guys.

It’ll always be the Tostitos Fiesta Bowl to me, you guys. Ain’t nobody tryin’ to eat whatever the crap Vrbo is.

Happ ‘Ween, boo guys.