“I’ll be fashionably late” “Everyone knows you should always show up an hour later than scheduled” I’M GOING TO BEAT YOU WITH HAMMERS

WHICH ONE OF YOU STOLE MY PENIS???????

Does it still count as supporting a shitty company if I shoplift more than I spend?

Got caught searching for “curses to make my bitch coworker even more bald than he already is because I hate him” on the work PC and now HR is involved 🙄#fuckmychudlife

Hate to break this to anyone who’s not aware, but if you’re fence-sitting about a group of people known to murder innocents and r*pe children, you’re not an ‘enlightened centrist’, you’re a piece of shit and a moron Follow me for more hot takes no one has ever thought of before

I’m like if a fat hairy pathetic man was a beautiful (but still pathetic) woman

I want to fuck the eternally pregnant fish from Insaniquarium

Call me a bird feeder the way I’m so full of seed 🤤🐓 (Sponsored by Raid Shadow Legends)

Everyone wants a hypersexual partner until they realise that hypersexual doesn’t just mean “down for sex whenever you want it”