If you start a fight at the concert I will fucking win.

60 convicted criminals escaped last night, police have 15 in custody. (I have 45 in mine)

What is your greatest fear? I'm willing to acquire it if needed.

Want to bring back public executions, but instead of a guillotine, its a gacha machine.

Blowing bubbles near kids. Then popping the bubbles before they can.

Let me in your house for 5 minutes - just 5 minutes. I will promise to be on my best behaviour. I'll even pretend to be a cat, you won't be able to tell the difference! Let me in let me in let me in let me in let me in let me in let me in.

locked mini in my oven at 180C for the past 40 mins and what comes out could only be described as a cute succulent treat

how tall are you all? just measuring if a guillotine would fit you

*brushing my hair with a knife*

Evil motto: You miss 100% of the hostages you don't take.

Ask your doctor if rock climbing without a harness is right for you.

Crime report: all cows in my local area have been dyed UV pink. I have no idea who could be behind this.

i think everyone is entitled to my opinion.

what if we went swimming together and i whacked your head with a plank? haha jk, or am i?

eggs are little bombs if you give them the right motivation.

Attended a mate's funeral today. Scored a B in pyrotechnics, C in camouflage, and an A+ in crying. If any professors are reading this: please curve me up to an A if I behave extra evil for the rest of the semester.

Guys I found the cutest fucking rat yesterday, I called him Henry and taught him how to brush his teeth (he didn't like the toothpaste tho, fair enough)