The Mrs. told me to go outside and touch some grass, she says "you're too fucking obsessed with @CULionsBaseball, Gaylord. It's getting to be too much, Gaylord" I'll go touch some grass. The greatest damn grass in the land.

Just played my Hebrew friend in CFB 27 and he honestly whooped my ass. The Jews control the banks, the weather, and now the line of scrimmage

Tre Tucker is very good at football

Provo is about to be a party if BYU beats Notre Dame tonight. I hope someone stocked up on the zero sugar Minute Maid tropical punch cause those stormin Mormons are about to sell all the stores out

Who looks at a child and decides it should be named Phyllis? How about you Phyllis dick in your mouth?

Need an event where I can consume copious amounts of beer. Who can hook a #YN up

Crazy to think OJ Simpson had breakfast with Larry David the day he "killed" those people. If I had to eat breakfast with Larry, I, too, would have thought, "you know what? Prison can't be worse than having breakfast with this guy"

Not sure what they're putting in the Hi-C fruit punch from chick fil a these days but it's like actual crack

Fuck it we're playing the lottery tonight

Wow Garrett Wilson is so good. This is totally going to suck when we lose this week, he demands a trade shortly thereafter, and they ship him off to Kansas City or something for 2 2nd round picks

The older I get, the more I realize I could've pulled way more bitches when I was single if I wasn't such a total pussy

If Trent Grisham has a job at Yankee Stadium next season and it's not shoveling shit out of the piss trough, then we have a real issue

Guy at the Yankee game who committed spectator interference, congratulations on your initiation into the Lifetime Witness Protection Program

So many NPCs at the Yankee game it's not even funny

Can't believe they let a YN like me eat chocolate pudding

I stand with the Cornell 7! I was hanging with the guys at the frat house that day and none of us did anything wrong. My name is John Yurkow and I am the head coach for the Penn Quakers baseball team

The Yankees piss me off. Happy Tuesday

Mrs. Focker took me to the Ren Faire for the first time last year. Took a lot of self control I didn't know I had not to rub one out (or many out) in the portajohns

I'm Gaylord Focker in the same way I'm Kenny fuckin Powers baby