Parody Dispatches For the Paw

Vermillion, SD
Joined September 2026
Yotes, A green army, flying high, marches south from the northern Dakota Territory. Old rivalries bring us once more to battle. Two flagships. One territory. With the townsfolk at our side, we ready the big guns and shall defend every inch of the DakotaDome. For the Paw
1
4
2
28
850
Yotes, Our men have earned a most satisfying victory and the horses have been returned to their bluegrass pastures. The road home is long and I fear our wagons shall make slower progress, for these barrels of Kentucky whiskey have added considerable weight. For the Paw
2
1
24
1,002
Yotes, Our forces make the long march southeast into Kentucky, where horse racers prepare for homecoming. Their prized steed, Racer One, marks his fiftieth year, and whiskey has been set aside for the occasion. We have not come so far to join their celebration. For the Paw
1
1
16
724
Yotes, Word has reached me that President Gestring shall relinquish her post come June. For nine years she has discharged her duties with distinction. Though her departure remains months hence, I offer my gratitude for her service and wish her well-earned repose. For the Paw
23
820
Yotes, The Egyptian hounds have been brought to heel. Our men defended the flagship of the Dakotas with great honor, proving themselves remarkably adept at dog walking. I have instructed the quartermaster to procure additional leashes. For the Paw
2
19
492
Yotes, Word has reached camp of a pack of ancient Egyptian hunting dogs advancing upon our turf. Their commander is a dangerous sort, as comfortable advancing on foot as attacking from afar. Let them come. The Dakota Territory is no desert. For the Paw
5
1
23
931
Yotes, Victory. The axes proved sharp and the Dakota Territory is secure. We have stacked enough firewood to see us comfortably through the winter. For the Paw
3
17
537
Yotes, Our countrymen gather from across the Dakota territory for a joyous celebration while scouts report a grove of Sycamores advancing upon our beloved DakotaDome. I confess, I have never waged war against trees. Sharpen the axes. We have timber to fell. For the Paw
3
17
615
Yotes, The Ice Castle stands. Too much praise followed our retreat from the west and I fear we mistook a valiant defeat for victory. Today, we paid dearly for it. We return home humbled and hungry. Dakota Days awaits. For the Paw
21
1,599
Yotes, Local scribes assure me our ranks lack Dakota men & any young officer of promise shall soon be purchased by a wealthier army. Their scouts must see farther than mine, as I was unaware the campaign had already been lost. We march on. For the Paw
2
9
541
Yotes, Our Valley campaign begins with a march east into Ohio. Scouts report a colony of penguins fortified within an Ice Castle, led by a decorated sharpshooter deadly by land or air. A formidable foe, indeed. Melt the castle. Stoke the furnaces. Forge ahead. For the Paw
2
1
13
559
Yotes, The lesser affairs now concluded, we turn toward the Valley. Eight familiar adversaries await us. Four shall venture upon our soil; four we must seek upon theirs. There shall be no strangers henceforth. Only old foes and unsettled accounts. For the Paw
3
175
Yotes, My dispatches have grown regrettably scarce. The opening weeks afforded little leisure for the pen, our forces being occupied with unfamiliar foes across distant territories. Those affairs now concluded, I shall endeavor to keep you apprised from the field. For the Paw
3
137
Yotes, The Pack grows restless with each passing day. Scouts have ridden beyond our borders and the men have been mustered. Many campaigns lie before us. We shall meet each with resolve. Raise the red banner. Our march begins. For the Paw
11
660
Yotes, Autumn camp is well underway. The ranks have been tested beneath heat and hardship. Three officers contended for command of our advance. After much trial, I have chosen one to lead the column. Our provisions are packed. Soon, we march. For the Paw
2
82
Yotes, Summer has arrived in the Dakotas. Before first light, the men gather to strengthen their bodies beneath iron and later test their resolve beneath the sun. Regulations presently forbid my command upon the field. Thus, my men drill amongst themselves. For the Paw
1
7
211
Yotes, A fortnight of spring drill is now behind us. The men have taken well to instruction & their discipline improves by the day. Today we divided our forces and permitted them to wage battle amongst themselves. Casualties were mercifully few. Progress was not. For the Paw
1
1
19
1,216
Yotes, This 6th day of February, I have received my commission to lead the forces at South Dakota. Winter still holds the Dakota Territory, yet there is much to be done before the autumn campaign. We shall muster the men, strengthen our ranks and make ready. For the Paw
2
93
Yotes, Before my correspondence from the present campaign begins, certain dispatches from the preceding months must first be entered into the record. We shall begin with my commission. For the Paw
6
120