Jerbot™ Dingleberry

Accidentally ordered a Jeff Daniels instead of a Jack Daniels and now this goofy lookin dude won't stop talking about skis.

🎵I’m just a sittin on the dock of the bay Waiting for tax, returns to get in my bank🎵

Me: *gets mauled by a bear* Also me: “I feel attacked”

Sorry, I can’t go out tonight. The doggo is already snuggling me

*in bed* Mind is overwhelmed Body is exhausted Legs are seeing how fast they can play the kick drums

*first thoughts wearing leggings* -These are nice and snug -Penis has optimal support -Oooo stretchy -Oh my god, my calfs look great! -Fuck me. Look at dat ass! -I’m a goddess in these 💁🏻‍♀️💅🏻

Went to my parents to open gifts and accidentally shouted “god damn, new socks make me wet.” upon opening socks. In all fairness, it’s true

My entire experience playing Red Dead Dedemption 2 Anyone in the game “Will you hurry up, Arthur?!?” Me *taking change out of the dead’s pockets and trying on hats*

Disney + “Would you like to skip the intro to Marvel Comics X-Men?” Me “Abso-mother-fucking-lutely-not. Don’t ask stupid questions.”

Zits are weird. Our bodies are like “We don’t want this anymore, but your mirror probably does.”

Rafiki *holds up Simba* Entire animal kingdom “YAAAAAAS BITCH YAAAAAS!”

Movie producer “Awesome! Your scripts are all set. We just need to cast parts and we’re good to go.” Eddie Murphy and Tyler Perry “Cast parts?”

The paint agitator was taking a different approach to his job. I asked him what he was doing, and he said he was just shaking things up.

Think you can handle a Saiyan in a fight? Vegeta ‘bout it

How do I make no bake cookies? Do I just have to not...bake cookies?

Just mixed a Bang and a Reign energy drink and now I can’t stop shouting the Lost Boys battle cry’s

Serial dramas to white girls are the same as muggles/muggle inventions to Arthur Weasley.

Hamburger Helper. The one pump chump of dinner

The mattress salesman was far too pushy with one brand, and I didn’t appreciate him being so asSertative