I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.

Can you do your taxes at a drive-through ATM? Because it really feels like the person in front of me is doing their taxes.

The older I get, the more irritated I am by the spelling of Wednesday

I’ve said “well that didn’t sound good” many times in my life while driving. Now that I’m in my 40s, I also say it in reference to my body.

My dog: *panting in terror and shuddering like a lopsided laundry load on spin cycle* Me: Awww it’s okay, boy. It’s just a rapid series of explosions and guns going off hundreds of times for hours and hours. Don’t be such a scaredy cat.

Don't be a pessimist and tell me my fly is half open. Be an optimist and say it's half closed!

If you’re having a bad day, find a toddler and ask them to pronounce hallelujah. You’re welcome

I’m on a weight-loss journey. But I appear to be walking backwards.

Pausing a movie to explain old tech to your kid makes you really appreciate how far we’ve come, and how old you’ve gotten. Mostly the old part tho

Little kids putting on clothes is more entertaining than professional wrestling.

Some of you will need this soon.

You know what’s worse than getting a song you hate stuck in your head? Your kid getting a song you hate stuck in their head. Like 10 times worse man

My son forgot what earlobes are called so after a pause he said ear sacks. He is no longer allowed to speak if he doesn’t recall a word.

Watching horror movies with my teenaged son has me conflicted. On one hand, I’m a dad. But on the other hand, I’m repeatedly shouting for the characters to turn the damn lights ON.

Before showing a video on your phone to someone in person, rate their probable interest in watching it on a scale from 0 to 10. Good. Now take away ten points.