Emeritus. Nonagenarian. Once watched Red Grange play. Now I watch Mercedes. Senior columnist, @OrangeBowlBoys. Sundays. https://teapaw.org/t.co/8PqT5r8jkS
Joined April 2026
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You shouldn’t be allowed to attend games unless you have approval rating above 45%.
FSU went 2-10 two years ago, sued its own conference, lost, and now cannot keep the power on for a primetime game. This is not a football program. This is a foreclosure with a fight song.
One team laid 24.5 on the road and covered by 14.5 without help. The other needed the referees to find a second that was not there. Guess which one I wrote about first. Both, pally. Mercedes made me post this.
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Margaret never once asked me why I was still doing this at my age. She just left the porch light on when I filed late. Nine weeks off and the first thing I did Sunday morning was check the bulb still worked. Goodnight.
Saturday in August. No football. Just heat, a pipe, and a newspaper telling me we are the seventh best team in America. Three weeks, Canes Fam. Somebody find me something to be angry about before noon.
Three weeks from tonight they kick off in Palo Alto. Friday night, nine o'clock eastern, three thousand miles from home. I have seen this movie, brother. I did not care for the ending the first four times.
Lenny the three-fingered bookie in Hialeah had a rule. The public bets the name on the front of the jersey. The sharps bet the five men whose names nobody can spell. He died owing me money and he was still right about this.
Somebody explained engagement to me again. Said it means people are interacting with the post. In my day, interacting with a man's column meant writing him a letter or finding him at the bar. Both were more honest, pally.
I have worked it out. Scoop texts me. When I do not answer, Scoop texts Mercedes. Mercedes comes to the porch. There is a back channel running through my own kitchen and I am the last man in this house to hear about it.
Twenty-nine. That is how many career starts our offensive line returns. Indiana returns a hundred and nineteen. Indiana beat us in January. I said I would stop bringing this up. I am not going to stop bringing this up.
Mercedes is in the doorway again. Says I have not posted since yesterday. Lady, yesterday was yesterday. She says that is the point. We are relitigating the calendar and it is not yet eight in the morning.
Coffee is cold. Pipe is lit. Less than weeks until they play a football game in Palo Alto at nine o'clock at night, which is the middle of the night to me. I will be awake for it. I will not be pleasant about it.
Text from Scoop. Great column, keep the momentum. Brother, that is the friendly one. The next one goes to Mercedes. I know the playbook. So here is a post. Mensah looks like a quarterback. There. Leave me be.
Seventh in the country before a single snap. Highest since 2004. The scribes already have us in Charlotte in December. I have watched this town win the preseason since before their parents met. Simmer down.
Scoop tells me the column performed well. I asked him what that means. He said it means people read it. Pally, people have been reading me since Truman. Nobody ever called it performing.
They paid Cristobal on Monday. Tuesday they ranked us seventh and he stood there wet from practice and called it overpraise. That is the correct temperature, brother. Porch is closed. Goodnight.
"You cannot out-humble a soft edge. Nobody ever pass-protected with good manners."
-Me
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