Jimmy HVD

My early school years definitely made it seem like salamanders / axolotls would play a much bigger role in all of our lives.

Friend: I'm a dog person. Me (a Harry Potter fan): like Sirius Black?

I just learned it's called 'Chutes and Ladders' in the USA, not 'Snakes and Ladders' like in Australia. But if we call it that because snakes are common in Aus, shouldn't the USA call it 'Shoots and Ladders'?

It says a lot about someone when they say, "It says a lot about someone when they..."

Am I a bad boy? Well, I once heated up leftovers in Tupperware that wasn't microwave-safe.

It's so unrealistic how in every movie set in NYC someone loudly whistles and a taxi instantly screeches to a halt right in front of them. There are 7 people in the world who can actually do that whistle. And they all live on farms.

Reading books is like having sex. The main reason you do it in public is to show off.

Mary-Kate Olsen is divorcing her husband. If he takes half of what she owns, do you think she'll give up Mary or Kate?

I just passed a health worker on the street, but it wasnt 7pm so I didn't know how to express my appreciation.

My girlfriend and I follow the rule that the person who doesn't cook, cleans. But sometimes it can be unfair. Last night Lauren made noodles in 10 minutes and I spent 3 hours cleaning the bathroom.

I just opened a window and accidentally let a fly in. I'm not mad though, I'm actually quite grateful for the company.

You shouldn't throw glass if you live in a stone house.

There are going to be a lot of disappointed dogs when everyone goes back to work.

I wonder what excuses people are using these days to end games of monopoly.

Am I the only one that still can't seem to find time to floss?

Three times a day, I take a walk around the block - to stretch my legs, to get fresh air, and to pee on all the fire hydrants because this block is my territory!

We're working from home and my girlfriend still sets a 6am alarm every day. You can live with someone for years and yet not truly know them.

Working from home tip: to maintain your office small-talk skills, instead of saying something like, “good morning my love” when you and your partner wake up, try saying, “how about this weather?!”

Is isolation making anyone else desperate enough to start answering calls from unknown numbers?

My girlfriend and I are already pretty good at rationing toilet paper. For years we’ve been in an unspoken battle to avoid being the last person to use / replace the toilet roll. It’s the reason I list ‘strategic planning’ as a skill on my resume.