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Donald Trump has repeatedly described himself as a genius, an extraordinarily successful businessman, one of the greatest presidents in American history, and a man who has accomplished more than almost any president before him. He has called himself a “very stable genius,” insisted that nobody understands certain problems better than he does, and assured the public that he alone possesses the extraordinary ability to fix them. He also frequently tells us that people are constantly praising him, that everyone agrees with him, and that nobody has ever been treated more unfairly. Unfortunately, 154 presidential scholars were asked to evaluate America’s presidents in the 2024 Presidential Greatness Project survey. Lincoln finished first. Washington third. Obama seventh. Biden fourteenth. Trump finished 45th. Dead last. With a spectacular 10.92 points out of 100. Even James Buchanan, who presided over the country’s collapse into civil war, finished ahead of him. Please, whatever you do, don’t let Trump see this ranking. The shock of discovering that professional historians disagree with his personal assessment of his greatness might cause the two remaining neurons in his narcissistic brain to collide, triggering a catastrophic Truth Social meltdown. And frankly, America has suffered enough.

Trump proudly describes identifying an elephant and a giraffe as an extraordinarily difficult intellectual achievement. He boasts that practically nobody could pass these tests as brilliantly or as often as he has. And therein lies the magnificent irony: the very fact that he considers them difficult explains why doctors keep testing him.