Bob (the builder) was never the best builder. But it was never about being the best. It was about having a good attitude, making life long friends and having weird claymation sex with a bulldozer behind city hall.
Currently being an absolute toxic, nightmare on chess dot come oh and also Israel currently has snipers shooting through the windows of hospitals.
APPLE MUSIC: You enjoyed Joey Badass and Kendrick Lamar! Might we interest you in some lil Uzi Vert?
ME: No.
APPLE MUSIC: We noticed you thumbs downed lil’ Uzi Vert. Might we interest you in another track by lil’ Uzi Vert?
ME: No.
APPLE MUSIC: Okay, here is more lil’ Uzi Vert.
Me: *Walks around my kitchen naked ONE TIME*
My elderly neighbors Helen and Deb: *BIG smiles for me in the parking lot*
It was 2:22pm on 02/02/2022. A discount toaster oven dinged with determination. My day old pizza, as it would seem, had been metaphysically reheated.
My “neighbors” say they find it “concerning” that I listen to Hilary Duff’s “complete discography” “so often”.
I slammed my finger in my car door so thoroughly that the door was able to shut completely and lock.
Slippers (day 1): We shall comfort you, child. Trust us with your crying feet and you shall find glory.
Slippers (day 365): We are now twice the size of your feet. Why did you not grow with us, child? We have become flat like unto a cola. Why did you press us so?
Some of you be like: “Hey hun?! Imma go to Home Depot and put the 12 footers on a cart n push it around the store for an hour n then put the 12 footers back n then leave. Love you!”
RIP Betty. What if she died right before her 100th birthday celebration as an example of her perfect comedic timing?
People will be like: “lol I’m the funny one of the group.”
And the group will be like: “That’s Jared’s dad. He drives us to practice. We don’t hang out with him.”