25 yrs of peer-reviewed research. 4 yrs applying it to real people. Relationship consultant. Professor. Author. The science, translated honestly. 13M+ reached
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Unpopular opinion from a relationship scientist:
You're not bad at relationships. You've just been given bad information.
You've read the books. Done the therapy. Still ending up in the same place.
That's fixable. 40,000+ people are doing it here, every Thursday. Free. → psychologyofrelationships.su…
Divorce should be celebrated. It's a certified act of bravery in the face of the unknown. It's a tough choice, no one wants to make.
When someone is into you, you don't have to squint to see it.
Dating advice often encourages playing hard to get, punishing each other by being vague and distant, and never showing vulnerability, says @freyaindiaa
But young women should look for a man whose intentions are clear. It should be obvious that he wants you, and only you. You shouldn’t feel confused about where he stands, or like you have to play games to keep his attention.
He should have clear intentions throughout the relationship, too. Life gets busy, but you should always feel like a priority.
Want to know if your dating standards match reality?
Look at who's actually pursuing you (not who you wish asked you out). If there's a big gap between who shows you interest and who you'll consider dating, something needs to change.
The worst guys plan the best dates. They should. They're well-practiced. But deep conversation? Emotional vulnerability? Forget it.
Dr. Gary W. Lewandowski Jr. retweeted
A great career can’t fix a miserable marriage, but a great marriage can make a hard life feel worth it.
Dr. Gary W. Lewandowski Jr. retweeted
Pick carefully.
“You’re not choosing a girlfriend, you’re choosing your son’s mother.” - Eric Jorgenson
Dr. Gary W. Lewandowski Jr. retweeted
Marriage to a highly compatible partner is one of the strongest predictors of life satisfaction in adulthood. Stronger than career advancement. Stronger than higher income beyond a baseline. The infrastructure for getting that match right barely exists.
Somewhere along the way you started dating for an audience. Tall enough, rich enough, hot enough to survive others' judgment.
Ignore the real (or imagined) audience.
If you're looking for a real relationship, stop dating with dumb questions like "What's your sign?" or "What are your hobbies?"
Ask real questions like, "How would you live your life differently if no one was watching?"
Let's get to the good stuff sooner.
Researchers call this "inclusion of other in the self" and a greater sense of overlap or merged identities contributes to a greater sense of loss of self upon breakup.
You're not afraid of being alone. You're afraid of being abandoned.
One fear makes you seek company. The other makes you chase reassurance.
Different fears. Different fixes.
Have you ever sat and looked at your current life through the eyes of your 17-year-old self?
I do a bit of that in this one, reflect on my Psychology of Relationships Substack hitting 50,000 subscribers, and share some thoughts around a common question I get.
psychologyofrelationships.su…
Don't introduce a new relationship partner to the version of you your last relationship left behind. Let them meet the real you.
In every situationship, there are two liars: One person lying to themselves, and one person lying to their partner.
My new favorite phrase about always falling for the same "type": If you see the same rock twice on a hike, you're not on a journey, you're lost.
Half of what people know about relationships is wrong. The problem is that they don’t know which half.
Marry the love of your life, then joyfully work the rest of your life at loving the person you married.
