Lex

Hey, I’m Lex. No longer in the passenger seat of my life. I’m building a longitudinal map of my own thinking and behavior.

The way out of a life you feel trapped in isn’t in your external world. Change the scene, you still carry the same prison. The only way out is in.

I used to think confrontation belonged to confident people. Or even aggressive people. Confrontation doesn’t require you to feel confident 🤯 (was that really just news to me?) It requires you to sit in discomfort, nervousness, even anger, while you address something that doesn’t align with your values.

I feel such a deep responsibility to care for this body, this nervous system, what God has entrusted to me. And strangely, that’s made me feel more connected to the person who carried those things before I understood how. I can understand her without excusing her. I am responsible for her. But I am not her.

It’s so important that you 👏 fix 👏 your 👏shit 👏

My past hasn’t changed, but the way I understand it has. I was lost, reactive, and made decisions that hurt people. I’m responsible for those things. But I can also recognize how little guidance I had, and how differently I might have acted if I’d known what I know now.

I get what this is saying, but I think lying can be extremely misaligning with ourselves. Learning how to redirect topics or maintain boundaries without having to mislead someone or yourself is a skill I think we should all aim to practice.

Recognizing the pattern is one thing. Learning how to respond differently takes practice. But how do you learn to guide yourself through that process? Books? Podcasts? Research? Where do you turn for the guidance you need to navigate your own internal world?

Every week, I review what I’ve documented, looking for recurring patterns, contradictions, and shifts in understanding. I’m trying to build enough reference points to investigate the underlying causes of my behavior and see how my understanding changes over time

I use AI to help separate observations from interpretations and preserve my thinking as it evolves, rather than replacing old conclusions with new ones. It helps me examine the thinking I’m already doing.

I document observations, reactions, assumptions, and the interpretations I assign to experiences. What I’m really trying to understand is the underlying structure. Why do I respond the way I do? Are seemingly unrelated behaviors connected by the same mechanism?

Dear awareness, I’m excited to have an intentional choice inside of what is natural for me to give. I’m excited to have an intentional choice inside of what is not natural for me to give. Love, Lex

I’ve been catching behaviors in real time that I used to only recognize afterward. But I’m finding that awareness doesn’t necessarily come with the understanding of what to do differently. There is a whole mechanism between recognizing something and learning how to use it differently.

Today I caught myself making an assumption about someone’s needs in real time. I thought recognizing it meant I shouldn’t act. I think the next part of practicing awareness is learning what to do with it. I can still offer help without deciding it’s needed.