Mallory De Leon

Feminist conundrum: I really don't want male help w/ my bag in the overhead bin, but I've skipped arm day for a few years now, so...

When I was a kid, I hated cleaning my room and my mom would always say "when you're the mom you're going to have to clean the house you know," and I'd say "then why should I do it now?" She had no rebuttal. Anyway, I'm the mom now and I hired cleaners today.

My husband just said "OMG give me the remote CNBC has fencing on." I asked if he was serious. His response? "It's f***ing swordfighting, Mal. Give me the remote!" The Olympics brings out weird parts of people.

Me at my own bachelorette party but about Fleabag.

My 6 month old coos "oo" "ba" and "ma" and if you don't think I'm angling for him to string those together to make Obama his first real word, then you are WRONG.

Did I eat an entire box of tagalongs within 24 hrs of our order arriving? Yes. Am I breastfeeding so the extra calories don't count? Also yes. Do I do this every cookie season? ... I don't know who the hell you think you are asking me Qs like this, but I don't owe you anything!

99% of my maternity leave so far has been spent closing the diaper wipes container after my husband changes a diaper and forgets to.

I've officially kept my newborn alive longer than my Tamagotchi circa 1997. So proud of myself.

It's a very bad time to be 8 mos pregnant. I can't do any of the things I'd normally do to relieve my stress: can't eat my feelings, drink booze, go to SoulCycle to get my frustration out, or hug my friends. AND now my Notorious RBG shirt doesn't even fit over my belly. I'm done.

I'm "I cry when children sing the National Anthem now" months pregnant.

I've already watched Normal People two times all the way through, and now I have a 4-day weekend. So basically, I'm going to watch Normal People for a third time this weekend.

My husband dials into meetings two minutes early. Who have I married?! #QuarantineChronicles

I'm calling it right now, at the end of the year all of the annual wrap-ups will have a hindsight 20/20 pun. And I'm already over it.

Tbh though, I drank lots of champagne on both of these nights. #2009vs2019

I won a Halloween cookie decorating contest at work and, honestly, I deserved it.

As my co-worker just said to me: "Nothing matters. Everything will be fine." Which is a very strong life motto if you're looking for one.

Hello, nothing to see here, just a 31 year-old-woman eating cinnamon toast crunch for lunch at 3 pm on a Wednesday.

Excuse me. Today some of the Google cafes have Friends and Golden Girls themed lunch menus. If you need me, I'll be feasting on 'The one with the Unagi' and 'Picture it, Sicily, 1912,' with a 'Chandler and Rachel's stolen cheesecake' for dessert. BYE.

I am "my soon-to-be husband and I are fighting over who gets to use our new vacuum first" years old.

I binge watched all of season 2 of Fleabag in one sitting last night and now I can't do my job: a novel.