The board of directors panicked after reading an article in Forbes and hired a boutique cybersecurity firm. They paid $80K for a team of external auditors to stress-test our network architecture. A guy named Connor showed up to my office with a customized laptop covered in hacking stickers. He ran a preliminary port scan and immediately found 14 open vulnerabilities on our primary subnet. He barged in and demanded to know why our main firewall was running outdated firmware from 2014. I leaned back in my Herman Miller Aeron chair and smiled like a disappointed father. I told him he had successfully discovered the outer layer of my decentralized honeypot matrix. I explained that we intentionally leave legacy ports open to trap malicious actors in an infinite digital loop. I used the phrase "asymmetrical threat inversion protocol." He stopped typing on his mechanical keyboard and looked deeply confused. I told him that patching those obvious vulnerabilities would immediately signal to international syndicates that we were a high-value target. I said that by maintaining the illusion of baseline incompetence, we achieve absolute digital camouflage. I asked him if his boutique firm didn't understand the fundamental concept of psychological network warfare. He started aggressively backpedaling and nervously closing terminal windows on his screen. He said his scan was just a preliminary assessment and he didn't want to disrupt my advanced architecture. I generously offered to sign off on his security audit if he classified our vulnerabilities as strategic perimeter decoys. He rewrote his 40-page compliance report to praise our innovative approach to threat management. The CEO called me into his office the next day to personally thank me for outsmarting the hackers. I didn't tell him the firewall was unpatched because I forgot the admin password 6 years ago. I haven't logged into the security console since the Obama administration. I billed the company $400 for a catered lunch with Connor. I spent the afternoon watching a documentary about deep-sea fishing while the company felt safer than ever. True security is just aggressive confidence in the face of absolute negligence.