Mrs Nigel Farage

Meanwhile at Buckingham Palace: Butler: Boris Johnson is on the line, wanting to wish you a Happy Birthday, Ma'am. The Queen: Tell the baby-haired buffoon to get stuffed. That reminds me. How's Philip coming along? Butler: The taxidermist says he'll be ready next week, Ma'am.

How old is Rory Stewart? Is he 72 or 14? I simply cannot tell.

Meanwhile on the Royal Zoom meeting: The Queen: Happy THIRTY NINTH birthday, Meghan dear. Meghan: Thank you, your Majesty. You don’t look a day over 100 yourself. Phillip: So, are you having an African meal tonight? Megan: Oh yes, he’s bubbling away in the cauldron right now.

@jk_rowling Nigel says it was him who sent the Civil Service tweet. He arranged for his nephew Ronald McDonald to hack the account. So if you could send him the money via PayPal that would be lovely, thank you. P.S. I have read him all your books.

Moi?

Meanwhile at the Neighbourhood Watch: Francois: Reporting for duty, Sir! Basil: We're on first name terms here, Mark. I'm Basil and this is Frank. Francois: Yes Basil Sir! Frank Sir! Basil: Er, let me show you around. Francois: Forward march! Left, right, left right.

I think I know who is behind @ByDonkeys. It is obviously Steve Bray. #ledbydonkeys #nigelfarage

With all this unpleasant talk of his funding and expenses, Nigel is just going to focus on his health and well-being in the run-up to the EU Elections. By Thursday, he’ll be as fit as a fiddle. #nigelfarage #ArronBanks #brexitparty

Are you a Brexit Party customer? Would you like to host your very own rally? We are looking for homeowners willing to provide their front rooms for our next sell-out roadshow. Register your property from just £25. Bus parking an advantage. #nigelfarage #brexitparty

I had another peek at Nigel’s manifesto. Guess what? We will have giant underwater magnets to attract fish from EU waters whilst disrupting migration patterns and stopping "our fish” from leaving. #nigelfarage #brexitparty

Ann is really embracing her new role as Commander-in-Chief of the Blackskirts, the elite all-female paramilitary wing of the Brexit Party. Poor Nigel is so scared he keeps going off to hide in the gents. #nigelfarage #brexitparty #annwiddecombe

Nigel thinks that Gerard Batten should give up on politics and go into the mattress business. #UKIP

My dear man, are you in a Public House by any chance? And is Nigel with you?

I so agree my dear, buses are for poor people and pensioners...Oh, I see! Clever boy, my husband.

Nigel! You have left your packed lunch at home, again. I am beginning to wonder if this is deliberate. You said you liked Swan pate.

Nigel! The unicorn has escaped from the paddock but the gardener says he can grab it by the horn

Lidl shoppers do ‘deals’. The Farages do not.

Just collected Nigel’s outfit for the 23rd May. So he’ll be his usual dapper self on polling day. #nigelfarage #mrflipper #EuropeanElections2019

Dear Marc is looking alarmingly puce. Perhaps I should refer him to Nigel’s Complexion Consultant. Not cheap but worth every penny.

David, dear, have you seen Nigel? He took our unicorn out for a ride this morning and hasn’t come home.