(Not actually the) Co-founder of Long John Silver's and other budget fishtaurants. Humor in McSweeney's, New Yorker, Points in Case, Slackjaw, and here
Joined February 2013
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Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
It must drive Elon crazy that even though we detest Trump as much / more than him, we will occasionally give Trump credit when he pulls off a good joke and that has never once happened with Elon
Thrilled to be back up in @PointsinCase with a new piece today. Please review and I'll loop back later for your takeaways
pointsincase.com/articles/he…
Thrilled to be back in McSweeney’s today with a bit of holiday fun and satire.
“I Saw Mommy Charged Five Grand for Gauze”
“Halve Your Wealth to Repair Your Meniscus”
“God Rest Ye Weary New Mother (For Twenty-Four Hours, Then Please Vacate the Maternity Ward)”
mcsweeneys.net/articles/holi…
Pete Lynch retweeted
Let me tell you guys about another "Carpenter" who made Christmas special
Pete Lynch retweeted
A key point missing in a lot of post debate analysis is that Trump’s claim about immigrants eating pets almost perfectly syncs up to the piano in the Peanuts theme song.
"For it's root, root, root for the POEM team..."
The baseball crowd quiets, processing what I sang. Murmurs build as they begin to understand: lyrics ARE poems. By singing together, we are the real team, the poem team! Tears flow. The game is called on account of enlightenment
"I'd like to watch this 2-hour movie"
Streaming: That'll cost you 90 secs of ads every 45 mins
"Hmm, I'll watch this 30-min sitcom instead"
Streaming: That'll be 3 mins of ads every 5 mins. Plus 3 ads to watch the end-credits scene, fuck you
Me: I’m hitting this button because you fed me an annoying ad so many times I simply can’t bear seeing it again
X: Seems like the right time to ask you for some money!
Huh, so how come on Thurs when I asked if you knew of anything going on this weekend you said “Nope, just gonna chill at home” ?
I've been hearing a lot about this new movie Gran Turismo, but I'm still confused about something: Is it based on a true story?
So there’s a new movie coming out, goes by the name of Gran Turismo. But here’s what I can’t figure out: Is it based on a true story?
Pete Lynch retweeted
One day we will invent the technology to eat hot dogs indoors
#BreakingNews The men's contest at the Nathan's hot dog eating competition CANCELED due to weather abc7ny.com/nathans-hotdogs-c…
