Make Republicans Conservative Again

Pure satire—no disrespect to my American friends. Just a little linguistic acrobatics. (And yes, still dreaming of a world where speeches don’t sound like a broken teleprompter arguing with itself.) Here we go… The Iranian navy—now holding the world record for “most defeats survived”—has once again heroically closed the Strait of Hormuz. This bold move comes right after the United States proudly secured yet another victory in a war that officially did not occur… thereby creating an urgent need to reopen a strait that was never really closed before the non-war began. The not-war, of course, was launched to eliminate uranium that has been completely, totally, absolutely vaporized—so thoroughly gone that it can no longer be used to build the nuclear weapon Iran wasn’t developing… during the conflict that didn’t happen. Meanwhile, the United States, comfortably sitting on a mountain of nuclear weapons, continues to warn the world about the extreme dangers of nuclear weapons. Because clearly, the safest place for all that danger is in one very responsible pair of hands. And then comes the philosophical masterpiece… If the United States were to objectively observe the actions of the United States within the United States, it might strongly consider invading the United States—strictly as a humanitarian effort—to liberate the United States from the questionable decisions of the United States. Mission name: Operation Self-Awareness. Status: indefinitely postponed.