Robin Williams

Me: Waiter, there's a duck in my soup. Waiter: That's a pond, you're at a park, I'm just here with my family, will you put some pants on?

Meeting friends for dinner. Can't find my phone so I'm bringing along a TV remote to stare at.

If I ever become a vet, I'm naming my clinic "Bitches get Stitches."

Morning air: meet nipples; nipples: meet everyone

"She's so hot. But she had, like, no mascara on. It's a no go for me." -dudes, according to ladies

It's 02:45 and my neighbour has just been ringing my doorbell, good thing I was still up practicing my tuba

You know Monopoly is an old game when the bankers can still go to Jail.

Swimming is good for you, especially if your drowning

Did you hear about the circus fire? They said it was intense

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

Take everything in moderation. Including moderation.

I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.

Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I'm done drinking the alcohol inside I feel much better

The say you should test your fire alarm once a month. I try but it's costing me a fortune in houses.

Men say women should come with instructions, but what's the point? Have you ever seen a man actually read the instructions?

The problem with the world is the intelligent people are full of doubts while the stupid people are full of confidence.

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it