Rob Clayton

THE 26 LAWS OF BREXIT 1. Brexit means Brexit 2. Put 3 Brexiters in a room, and they will emerge with 4 versions of Brexit. 3. The 2016 referendum represents the largest democratic mandate ever. It just does, ok. (The turnout in the Scottish referendum and in many past GEs, and the total number of votes cast in the 1992 GE don't count.) 4. 17.4 million people represent a majority of an electorate of 46,500,001, and of a population of 65 million. 5. "Will of the People" is the equivalent of QED at the end of a scientific proof. 6. If Brexit's not succeeding, it's because you're not believing hard enough. 7. All the following are working together to block the One True Brexit: Remainers, judges, Labour, most Tories, MPs in general, the Lords, the royal family, mass media, experts, economists, the woke, business leaders, foreign firms, facts, stats, reality, the EU, did I mention the EU?, oh and the EU of course! 8. What do experts know? They only have knowledge and experience to go by. 9. It is impossible to predict the future because it hasn't happened yet. 10. A prediction that doesn't come true is a lie. 11. Irish border? Just a red line on a map, innit. 12. Eton- and Oxford-educated millionaires and hedge fund owners are bound to want exactly the same from Brexit as the average person in Britain. 13. Democracy is dead if we have a second referendum, especially if we lose it. 14. We can time travel back to the good bits of 1975 by leaving the EU. 15. The best way to ingratiate ourselves with our largest European trading partner is to keep mentioning the war. If it's good enough for Basil Fawlty... 16. The less you understand Brexit, the more you are obliged to talk about it in military terms. 17. Pointing out that demographic changes since the referendum favour Remain is exactly the same as wishing old people dead. Heck, why not just go the whole hog and kill them yourself? 18. The EU's such a weak, failing institution, it will collapse if someone blows in its general direction. 19. The EU are brutish bullies who do nothing but boss us around, and dictate terms. 20. Our reality is better than your reality, because ours is British. 21. Every time you deny Brexit, a unicorn dies. Murderer! 22. International law is more of a suggestion. 23. No matter what version of Brexit gets implemented, it will never be the Brexit you voted for. 24. Lies become true if you shout them loud enough (flecks of spittle add to the veracity). 25. Whatever your political allegiance, the BBC is biased against you. 26. One day, we'll all be dead.