He pinned my wrist and I came harder than ever. My best friend told me I was too controlling in bed. She said it while we were eating tacos and she said it like it was nothing, just "you're a control freak in every part of your life, I bet you're a control freak when you fùck too." And I sat there with salsa on my chin thinking she might be right? I'd always been the one to initiate. Always on top. Always deciding the pace, the angle, the position. Every guy I'd been with just let me run the show because I was good at it and nobody complained. But there was always this thing, this ceiling I kept hitting where everything felt good but never great. Like a sneeze that won't come. You know? My FWB at the time was this quiet engineering major. Didn't talk much, didn't brag, had these strong hands with rough knuckles from working on his car in his spare time. We'd been hooking up for about two months and it was fine. I rode him, I came, it was routine. The night things changed he was on top for once (I'd had a long day and didn't feel like doing the work). We were kissing and I reached up to grab his shoulders and he caught both my wrists in one hand and pinned them above my head against the pillow.

Everyone paired of st the cabin and I got stuck with the one person I’d been avoiding. The cabin had three bedrooms and six of us and the pairing was obvious from the second we unloaded the cars. My friend and her boyfriend took the back room, another couple took the loft, and that left the room with two twin beds pushed against opposite walls for me and the one person in our friend group I had been strategically, meticulously, almost professionally avoiding for the past four months. I avoided him because of what happened at a party in September, which was that we were both drunk and ended up in the same Uber and his hand was on my knee the entire ride and when we got to my building he walked me to my door and we stood there and he said "I really want to kiss you" and I said "that's a bad idea" and went inside and pressed my back against the door and listened to him walk away and touched my knee where his hand had been and wanted to die. Bad idea because he was in our friend group. Bad idea because his ex was in our friend group. Bad idea because I catch feelings like the flu and I already had a cough. And now we were snowed in. Three feet in six hours. Roads closed. WiFi dead. Heat working, barely. And he was sitting on the twin bed across from mine unlacing his boots and the room smelled like pine and wet wool and he looked at me and said "so." "So," I said.

I woke up 4am…. And my clìt was already swollen - my version of a morning erèction, I guess. It was so darn sensitive and I needed to relieve myself. Ugh… I had a choice to make…wake him up or take care of it myself. And a decision was made… So I grabbed my wand from the night stand and tiptoed to my trusty shower. Oh how I love my shower. It’s my safe place. I turned on my hot water and sat on the floor and leaned against the wall, spread my legs and turned on my toy - and placed it on my swollen clit. Fuck it felt so wonderful, but jolted my system and made me shake. I loved it. I immediately had a micro orgasm and locked my toes. And I knew I was already dripping onto the floor. That helped me lube to use my fingers to fuck myself. I was slipping into a perfect 4am euphoria. I decided to grab a small hand towel and lay down and set the towel over my eyes, like I was masturbating in the rain. I placed my toes on the glass and began again to fuck myself and use my wand. Holy shit did it feel good to lay on the tile and the glass on my toes…my wand on high. I was in heaven. I remember giggling and realizing I hadn’t charged my wand in a while and how disappointed I’d be if it died.