Twitter is where I post all my mundane experiences and garbage animal antics. e.g. I am enjoying this coke while watching a dumpster fire

I long for a simplier time in cinema when films were innocent and beautiful like Hackers

I stay in my tour bunk until 2pm petting cats and I have no shame. #acrocats

I accidentally put salt scrub on a silk burn. I have so many many regrets about my life choices. #circushurts #circuseverydamnday

#emiliafart is the hero we deserve

When I'm informed the exterminator is coming..."Fine, I'll bring the animal bones inside."

As someone who struggles with rejection I sure pick jobs that involve a lot of it.

Publicly nerding out about Gorillaz on social media and feeling no shame.

Electric swing music, why can't I quit you

I'm so late to the Childish Gambino party. Can I still come?

My Roomba ran over a turd

If you think of insects as awkward friends they become less scary

I was hugging two cats and they accidentally touched...the results were PAWsitively explosive. #dontcrossthestreams

I have vastly misjudged the benefits of honesty. #nogooddeedunpunished

There is no greater suffering than finding a stale malted milk ball in your brand new box of Whoppers.

My cat puked in the window. I like to believe the majesty of nature made her so angry she spewed

I forget to empty my pockets when teaching and I become an instructor pinata full of advil and pennies. #circusproblems

Remember being a garbage animal doesn't make you a bad person.

Every time I finish an all consuming project I have a feeling of "Oh God, what will be my life purpose now?"

One of life's ultimate pleasures is parking cattywampus in a 2 car garage.

Do you think the diameter of the world's biggest ball of yarn should be measured in knitting needles?