Another day at the Krusty Krab. Oh joy.

Me, participate in Halloween? I’m afraid there’s not a ghost of a chance! And no, Halloween puns don’t count as participation.

Ah, the first day of autumn! Finally, summer’s sunshine and optimism can go take a hike.

“Positive Thinking Day”? What a terrible idea!

For National Relaxation Day, I finally get to do the one thing I want to do every day: not get out of bed! Ah, that’s better.

Friendship Day?! No! I’ve got to stop SpongeBob before he … too late. There he is in my living room, with flowers and a cake.

Can someone please explain to Patrick that I am NOT his Daddy and will NOT be reading him bedtime stories?!

This New Year, I resolve to complain more. It’d be a shame not to: not only am I good at it, I really enjoy complaining!

The greatest presents I could get this Christmas would be the absence of my two moronic neighbors. Please Santa, hear my wish!

Oh no, it’s Hanukkah! Here comes eight days of SpongeBob attempting to spin a “dreidel” named Patrick. I might have to leave town.

Wear Brown Shoes Day? Sorry, no can do. They don’t come in my number of feet.

The only thing I’m positive about today is that I positively will NOT be celebrating Positive Thinking Day!

For National Relaxation Day, I’m planning to kick my heels up and read a magazine all day. In other words, I’ll be at work.

Do I celebrate Independence Day? Well, that independs. Ha, I crack myself up.

Happy Father’s Day to my dad, who appreciates the finer things in life: music, art, and complaining. He taught me everything I know.

If only National High Five Day were the only day of the year SpongeBob insisted that I slap him some skin. It's not.

Happy April Fools Day, a day I'd like to dedicate to my neighbors, who are fools.

This Valentine's Day, I bought an expensive gift for my sweetheart...me! Spoiled? Maybe, but I'm worth it.

Maybe this Opposite Day, my neighbors will act calm and sophisticated. Somehow I don't think they're celebrating.