Kevin The Lemon™

Every time you leave things unsaid, You’re actually saying more than you ever wanted to.

To each, his phone.

Last time a friend asked me to pray for her, I did what I know best. Slept with a virgin -it’s the same thing right?

If a random dog humps your leg aggressively, Is a “walk of shame” required? -Asking for a friend *takes long cold shower*

Guys, remember when your Grandpa was proud of you for scoring a goal? How do you think he feels about you shaving your balls in the mirror?

My buddy swears the best place to get dates is on Groupon Message Boards. -cause women love any man who can find a better deal then them.

Who me? I’m just standing here filling ice cube trays, To ensure my name continues for generations.

Taking things with a grain of salt would be easier, If it didn’t taste like pepper.

Just realized *my butler has the password to my twitter account and has been tweeting. Do I: A-kill him B-thank him *imaginary friend

With all these Keyboard Wars going on I better call a letter. I call the letter “B” -wait, is that a offensive or defensive letter?