Tom Fox

Does anybody else get this same recurring dream? Where @kylieminogue appears in a pair of gold hotpants? Then she disappears and comes back in a short dress and thigh-length boots? Then again in a bikini? Hang on, sorry, I don’t mean dream, I mean internet browser history.

We’ve been to Hardwick Hall: a country house created by Bess of Hardwick. She did a good job to say she was only a girlie. Four husbands so she had loads of help. Best bit was asking MrsTFT, in every bedroom, “How much bonking went on in that bed do you reckon?” Every bedroom.

We pensioners have it tough you know.

What did we forget to pack?

I think she was doing her Pilates.

So we went round Chatsworth House today. Culture, history, all that business. Mostly I annoy MrsTFT by pointing at the sculptures and saying “You can see ‘er bum” or “You can see ‘is willy”. And surely everybody looks at the beds and asks how much bonking went on in them?

Sadly, I’m still waiting on the commission from a major deodorant manufacturer for the advertising slogan I offered them. So, I’m prepared to reveal it for free and sit back while their sales rocket. *clears throat* “Lynx, Lynx It covers up your stynx.” *bows graciously*

Tell you what though, that eclipse was nothing compared to the one we had in ‘76.

Not absolutely certain the auto generated caption has got the translation spot on.

Grok, how long could someone survive on a diet compromised entirely of crisps? My friend *cough* wants to know.

MrsTFT just told me I’m not funny, I’m bloody annoying. This can’t possibly be true, surely? You all know me. Back me up here…

Reports say Fred Flintstone's cave roof collapsed. This happened while he was having sex with his neighbour’s wife and he had to be pulled from the rubble.

I tell you what though, Mr. Chuffing Kipling hasn’t half shrinkflated his sodding Battenberg. I could just about get a whole one into my gobhole rather than need to cut slices. It’s like a Battenberg but for a kid’s doll’s house. And what does Burnham do about this?

Do you know what? There’s shiny and then there’s effing shiny like wot this. 😎

I bet a lot of Scots must be really hurting because it looks as though their team is going to bomb out of the World Cup. The best way to ease the hurt would be to wholeheartedly support England now. I’m sure that’s what Welsh people have been doing. What?

So the temperatures are going to be a lot lower next week? I’ll tell you youngsters this for nothing: back in 1976 that you’re all so bloody obsessed with, the heat went on right into winter and the sun boiled the snow. If you tried to make a snowball you scalded your hands.

Tell you what though, 1976 was hot. 🎣

Too hot even to potter around in the garden. Gutted.

It got so bad in 1976 that we had to start using that powdered water. Tasted dreadful.