fartzzz, pHD

I wish I could have attended Adele's wedding just to lean over to the groom and softly whisper in his ear "Dude, you're getting Adele"

I'm just now realizing why I got all those weird looks at the park after loudly calling my dog "The Big Fluffer"

I don't want to hear anything about building a wall between Mexico and the USA until we address the issue of building an air filter between us and Canada #AirQualityAlert

Miyan Williams is out here playing like a potato. Just getting jammed down Irish throats. #ohiostate #OSUvND #Buckeyes #BuckeyeNation

Name me one uncle of yours that was single in his 40s, lived alone with his cat, and was cool 😎

I left my lunch on my back patio and now I can just watch it sitting there on my back door camera while I sit at my desk at work. What a beautiful time to be alive

I think we should have cast reunions for more than just tv shows. I'd love to watch a panel discussion of the janitorial staff from the Sawmill Rd Target '94-'97. Those dudes were hilarious.

Do you ever find yourself talking to your therapist about your psychologist and suddenly realize you are pretty fucked mentally?

Why is there no stand-up drama? Like just a person with a mic trying to get a room full of people to cry. I think that'd be pretty fun.

I'd pay good money to see #OhioState dunk on that old #loyola nun #NCAATournament

Employer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Me: As the new host of Survivor #CareerGoals

I would gladly watch a whole series that's just Amy Sedaris rebuilding old starfighters and dating Jawas #BookofBobaFett #StarWars #AmySedaris #JawaLove

Not that it wasn't dangerous before but in home robberies risk has gone up significantly with everyone quarantining at home with COVID #WorkersAffectedByPandemic #Guns #COVID

It's crazy to me that Betty White died in a motorcycle stunt gone wrong. Thank you for being a friend #BettyWhite

Riddle me this, Google

I know winter is near when I start masturbating with gloves on #StayWarm

I just stopped mid-job application as they asked for 3 references. Like what is this 1976? If you really want me to give you 3 character voices I do with numbers that all dial my own phone I can but I don't want to work for a company that doesn't understand this is whats happenin

Microsoft's marketing team is sure finding odd places to advertise #GoWithWhatYouKnow #ThisIsObviouslyPorn