Vicky Anscombe

I am in a WhatsApp group called ‘CUM CUM CUM CUM CUM’ and we mainly talk about food and opera but golly gosh it doesn’t look good when my colleagues see messages come up

Brooklyn Beckham take note - this is how you well and truly fuck the family over. Get your brother arrested on his birthday. Fantastic. You couldn’t make this up.

Heading to my father’s funeral with a ludicrously capacious bag. I am not a serious person.

Hell is here

This morning I thought about which serial killers would favour which apps. Harold Shipman would have loved LinkedIn, Fred and Rose West would have a shared Facebook account on account of Rose’s crippling jealousy! Think Ian Brady would have spurned all apps.

I want to use AI for good and noble things, I truly do, but I’m currently chatting to an egg chatbot on Instagram and we’re getting along swimmingly

Azealia Banks was/is in Mitcham. Makes me feel weird when I say it out loud, bit like stating that Dolly Parton is having a mini break in Slough.

Have just realised all my Insta stories are being posted to my FB too. Guess my elderly aunts and long-lost cousins are discovering more about me by the day.

God, Cadbury World looks bleak

How can sitting in a garden be so tiring, the sun has beaten me, beaten me

Just say ‘Go to bed’. Stop fobbing me off with these sad little euphemisms.

I would like to put forward the 1999 film ‘G:MT – Greenwich Mean Time’ as a contender for the worst script ever

In bed listening to The Crayons’ Sunday Evening 8pm. Lovely, lovely, lovely.

I may have to write to Denzel Washington - again - to apologise for the very strange fan mail I sent him in April 2020. As I recall it was three sides of A4, two of which were about the film ‘Flight’. I believe the phrase ‘I would trust you if you were flying a plane,’ was used.

Melle Brown 💖💖💖💖💖

Have just been informed my brother-in-law doesn’t run his business Instagram so changing tack to support his marketing team instead.

Today I shall send my brother-in-law supportive replies to his Instagram stories showcasing his work.

I have just realised the opening lines to Blur’s ‘You’re So Great’ are ‘Sad, drunk and poorly’ and not ‘Said John to Polly’. Would have been good to know this in 1997 but there you go.

‘Kiss From a Rose’ is playing in my office and the urge to shout, ‘It’s me, your desert rose!’ is….unbearable

Crystal Palace are playing at home today so can’t get a parking space on my road. Happily, have seen several cars already have tickets and the weather’s foul.