Tim Waddy

My wife just phoned me to say that 3 girls in her office have received flowers and they are absolutely gorgeous. I said, "Thats probably why." – at New Jersey, USA

Scientists say, that one day, it may be possible to live on Mars. What a load of rubbish. I tried it for a month, gained nearly 3 stones in weight and developed, type 2 diabetes.

Massive 3 points that. #COYB

I've been hanging out at the gym a lot lately. The staff told me, i need to get some bigger shorts.

I advised a former friend not to play Russian Roulette, but it just went in one ear and out of the other.

I know which band sung Eloise, but I can’t think of the damned name!

Japan is ace.

My one regret in life is calling my pet 'clay pigeon' Paul...

The inventor of hard boiled eggs wrapped in sausage meat has died. RIP Scott Chegg.

Went fishing last night and caught nothing. That's how you achieve net zero.

“I spy something beginning with A” King Harold, 1066.

Fell asleep at a party last night and someone put a teabag in my mouth. I went absolutely mental. No one treats me like a mug!!

Just been Reading a book called 'Swimming the English Channel' by Francis Near.

If the wife asks you to make a bird table do not put her seventh on the list

I haven’t been sleeping well so I went to a doctor and he said I have insomnia. I asked “is it serious?” He said “no need for alarm.”

If anyone has any advice for someone who has had cosmetic surgery gone drastically wrong.....I'm all ears

I got into a taxi this morning and the driver said: “Do you mind if I put some music on?” I said: “No, not at all”.. He said: “Kiss?” I said: “Let's start with the music and see how we feel.”

Yeah so I’m coming home. Fuck that. #Japan

Just called the suppository helpline. Can't believe how rude they were!!

I saw a sign in the B&Q plumbing aisle that read, “Cast Iron Sinks.” I thought to myself ‘any fool knows that!’

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