Ad Absurdum

You're never too old to hide from people you know.

Drank espresso to get rid of a migraine an hour ago. Anyone need me to scrub their bathroom floors with a toothbrush?

Reading about weight loss while eating a giant bag of chips.

The best conversations are the ones I have with myself.

I’m not procrastinating. I’m exploring all of my options in my head.

My favorite part about the seasons changing is OH MY GOD EVERY INCH OF ME ITCHES AND IM OUT OF ALLERGY MEDICINE MAKE IT STOP WHY WONT IT STOP I DONT HAVE ENOUGH HANDS TO SCRATCH EVERYWHERE IT JUST WONT STOP

*gets up early* I have so much to do today. *drinks coffee and stares off into space for 3 hours*

“What day is today?” - Me everyday for the past year.

Him: *hums* Me: “Something needs to shut the f#ck up.” Him: “Me?” Me: “No, my phone. It’s been going off all night.”

Changing the lyrics from “In Your Eyes” to listing everything that ends up in my eyes.

Adulthood has taught me a lot of things. Like using my stepson’s bubblegum flavored toothpaste is truly a quality of live decision I’m willing to fight for.

Here I am with coconut oil in my eyes again. I may not be be able to see but my contact lenses are getting some serious hydration.

It took me half an hour to figure out how to get to my Facebook timeline to respond to birthday messages from yesterday. This does not bode well for the year ahead.

Only a few hours left until I’m a year older. I better make this time count. *stares off into space for half an hour*

I’m not sure what’s worse, being stuck in my house for 6 months or inside this Whole Foods for the past hour.

Nobody watches your Instagram stories.

How could I NOT accidentally hit someone (myself) or something (my car) wielding a baseball bat at a piñata while blindfolded.

How am I NOT going to accidentally hit someone or demolish something other than the piñata? (When I say someone I mean myself.)