vivek is so desperate he’s bribing people with pizza 😭

is this normal

surprised by the number of people that don’t have Stuff what do you mean you don’t have wd40

some people view meetings as magical seances that complete objectives if they spend enough time overthinking and consensus hard enough it’s a productivity cargo cult; instead of working the steps to complete the task they imitate what they think progress is

why are so few serial killers fat

“he doesn’t normally like to be held,” they say in astonishment as i carry around their cat which ate the pill that fell out of my pocket

just thought you should know

they should do salt and vinegar zyns

getting fired because i gave the boss’ daughter the ick :(

that smog from canada isn't from wildfires that just happens when you have too many indians

a fatty has been sitting at my desk at work crumbs on desk, chair left on diabetes mode this should be illegal

going to start handing out pins to coworkers and asking them why they aren’t wearing them

why are female optometrists always flirtatious

but why

can humans take dust baths why can’t i chinchillamaxx and just roll around in the morning

dystopian novel but nobody riots when the food runs out because they’re all on peptides

imagine how annoying the strivers will be when they’re homeless

a friend once didn’t leave a message because the prompt “sounded chinese” i’d set my siri to the australian accent (less grating than the original) i still think about this sometimes

about to taste some WAP (warm apple pie)

almost turning that age where i need to stop smiling in my driver license photo