Aaron Haspel

It is said there are twelve tribes of Israel. In fact there are two: the dreamy Jew and the business Jew. They are united by mutual contempt, loathing, and envy; and God punishes them equally, for each begets the other.

There is no difference, save in how they are indulged, between the man who believes himself a woman and the man who believes himself the reincarnation of Jesus or Napoleon.

Whoever, or whatever, does the work today runs the world tomorrow.

Comedies end in marriage and tragedies in death, not because marriage is comic and death tragic, but precisely the opposite.

A nation of shopkeepers will defeat a nation of warriors every day of the week and twice on Sunday, when the shops are closed.

Britannica's 11th edition is the best encyclopedia ever written. I always wanted a proper online version, so I built one: britannica11.org

The idealist wants extra credit for the wrong answer.

The surest way to get something done is to have something else that you absolutely have to do.

Academic press: Books that no one will read at prices that no one will pay.

Dijkstra remarked that no human is intelligent enough to program a computer, and all good programming practice is a recognition of this fact. Now we have machines that are. Whither good programming practice?

It's surface all the way down.

Believing is seeing.

You only get so many chances to keep your mouth shut.

Sanity is less a particular outlook than a practiced aversion to the multifarious forms of crazy.

Travel appears a great luxury when you have grown accustomed to the greater one of staying in one place.

The pleasure in having people admire your work lasts until you see what else they like.

If you want someone to talk, shut up.

Many of the disorders of the psychology textbooks are quite useful in moderation, and not a few are outright virtues.