Weil, the storied New York firm that is on the verge of collapse, is known to have approached Vinson & Elkins, the largest firm in Texas, about a potential merger. but the talks quickly broke down. below is a depiction of how i imagine those talks went [leadership of the two firms sit in a conference room overlooking the Houston skyline] V&E 1: well, we appreciate y'all coming down here. enjoyed dinner last night Weil 1: yes, we did too. you all have an impressive office here in Houston. and everyone's excited about the potential here V&E 1: yes, adding Weil to what we've built in Texas over the last decade--with that New York presence, we'd be in a position to compete with anyone Weil 1: well, that's... you said "adding Weil to V&E." but our revenue is over $2 billion and yours is just over $1 billion V&E 1: your revenue WAS over $2 billion. but one has to wonder where it'll be after these departures, which are still accelerating--we saw you just lost Chris to Paul Weiss Weil 1: we suspect that's the last of the major departures. we've really opened up comp. we're showing a lot of flexibility in terms of attribution credit--to make sure people are happy to stay here with their books V&E 1: well, we hope that's the case. and we'll be sure that once y'all come on board with us, the Weil partners will continue to be treated very fairly. and there'll be the stability and future prospects to keep people around, too Weil 1: see, you seem to be talking in terms of V&E controlling the firm. but again, we're larger, and our profits per partner are closer to 5 and a half million, while yours are at 4 and a half. our assumption would've been that Weil would hold a majority of seats on the board, or there'd be co-management between the legacy firms at least V&E 1: now, that's where we see things differently. we don't think that profits figure... well, it's the same point regarding revenue. that WAS the profits per partner. but also, just stepping back at a narrative level, we're bringing the access to Texas. we've been going gangbusters with energy and data centers down here, and we view those as the two jet engines of the firm going forward. so we view V&E as the natural pilot, so to speak Weil 1: well, we see you continuing to control Texas, but again, this is a combination of two firms, not an acquisition of Weil. there has to be a way to structure co-management V&E 1: well, the buck has to stop somewhere. and we think that somewhere should be Houston. but, although we already have a strong and growing presence in New York, we would be open to you co-managing that office Weil 1: co-management of the NEW YORK office?? [the Weil partners look at each other. one leans over to the other.] Weil 1: i don't think we're going to get a meeting of the minds here [discussion winds down.] The Weil Partners Talking After The Meeting: Weil 1: the combination really makes sense. bridging New York and Texas. it would be big Weil 2: yeah, but the others aren't going to sign on to taking orders from a bunch of guys in cowboy boots and ill-fitting suits Weil 1: yeah, V&E really wants us to bow down Weil 2: i didn't go to Harvard and work till midnite all my goddamn life to take instruction from some pig fucker who went to SMU Weil 1: yeah, i guess that qualifies as a good school down here Weil 2: these guys don't operate at our level of sophistication Weil 1: ai operates at the level of a Texas lawyer Weil 1: hearing "y'all" at that first joint meeting will send another half of the partners for the door Weil 2: why do they say that? it's so affected. i guess they can't give up the gimmick now Weil 1: and what's with the deep voices? that one guy was half my size and talking in a deeper voice than me Weil 2: i know. ridiculous. but somehow the people down here are simple enough to say fuck you to pencil head bureaucrats. that's the only reason the V&E guys are doing so well. we've really outsmarted ourselves with all our liberal bullshit Weil 1: Kirkland, Latham, Gibson. everybody's been moving down here. but they're coming down here on their own terms Weil 2: yeah, i'm not looking forward to flying to Houston every quarter Weil 1: there was nothing special about that steak last night. i mean, it was good. but nothing you can't get in New York Weil 2: and Jesus, these guys are fucking drunks The V&E Partners Talking After The Meeting: V&E 1: it's gonna be hard to bring those prideful fuckers to heel V&E 2: co-management my ass. looking down their noses at us in their shiny black shoes and german glasses or whatever the fuck those were. condescending dandies V&E 1: these yankee fucks still can't get their head around the fact that we know what we're doing down here V&E 2: the dollars don't lie V&E 1: these Weil jokers couldn't keep up with their New York counterparts--or their Chicago ones, for that matter V&E 2: and it's not our fault they let their city plunge into socialism V&E 1: and they think we stop working at 10 because we're dumb. we stop working at 10 because we're smarter V&E 2: i don't know if these guys have the business touch the way we do down here. these New Yorkers will kill a deal making a show out of their negotiating V&E 1: they don't understand how far relationships go down here V&E 2: yeah, they're killjoys V&E 1: what'd they each have? a glass and a half of wine at dinner? V&E 2: yeah. they're gonna be a lot of fun to take out on business development V&E 1: the oil guys are gonna hate 'em