Beemer

Gonna tweet from @bidenspeechwrtr from now on I think, see you there

If I were a Republican in Congress rn I’d be scratching bad words into the desks and shit

The Brothers Doobie

Not gonna vote. The only thing that could change my mind on that is 30-40 texts from unknown numbers

You wanna pay to go see improv comedy? The experience we participate in every waking moment of our lives?

The people in the Target parking lot asking for money now accept Red Card

I was just following hors d’oeuvres

Favorite part of the documentary is when Elizabeth Holmes is playing with her baby and accidentally says “I’ve got your Thera-nose!” and the tension in the room is PALPABLE

If you’re yelling at your dogs more than your dang wife, you know life is good🌞

Every Little Thing She Does is Magic? Really, Sting? Even when she poops??

Using “sucks ass” instead of “sucks balls” now. More inclusive. Will update when I can lump in stomas

Girl: I’m having a full blown panic attack right now Guy: blown?👀

Can you take me lower To a place where deaf women hear

(me at the poop library, at the desk of the poop librarian) check this shit out

Waiting a few minutes to open up for the SWAT team so I don’t come off too eager🙈🙈#playinghardtoget

The breadth of animal intellect is astonishing. On one end you’ve got sea cucumbers who are incredibly stupid, all the way up to dogs and horses which are only kind of stupid

She was the UN General Assembly… and I was #Netanyahu 😖

(Feeding a baby before airplanes were invented) here comes the blasphemous notion of human flight!