allie mae

This man fired me from the most lucrative job I’ve ever had and now he wants me to help him break into the illustrious world of getting paid in quesadillas and drink tickets??? YEAH RIGHT.

my roommate put a brown paper bag next to the toilet so he can dispose of his bathroom beers ~ so proud of him

I wish I could see the Penn Station security footage from the Halloween where I missed the last train back to Jersey dressed as the Morton Salt girl. I tried napping under some seats but a pervert kept reaching under to touch me so I crawled out & beat his ass w my giant umbrella

My doctor won’t prescribe me Xanax so now I have to do a mind-over-matter type self hypnosis and pretend my heart is racing bc I’m at the club, I’m on the drugs, and that beat is about to DROP

Shane Gillis on SNL is like Christmas - you either liked the toys you got or you didn’t, and either way it’s Monday so it’s time to move on and get back to work.

I’m a lifelong @attell fan so I’m not gonna play it cool here - THIS FUCKING RULES!!!!!!!! Tomorrow night at @TheStandNYC • 8pm • im geeked 🥹

Are they actively cutting the gasoline with something because my car was driving normally and I soon as I pulled away from BP it started jerking around like a fish out of water 🤔

considering getting a hijab for when I leave the house bc I don’t wish to be on surveillance 24/7

Hey if you’re gonna be an influencer and insist on talking into the tiny microphone, how about a glass of water before you begin!