COMEDY TIP: constantly attacking other comics doesn't do anything for your career except help with ticket sales, blow off steam, and bond you eternally to other comics who hate the same ones

Imagine being on the moon and seeing earth blow up. I’d be like whoa!

Post from NASA: that part!!!!!! lol Post from FBI: clock it!!!!!! lol Post from comedian: Under California Penal Code § 240 the maximum punishment for a first time offender includes up to… see more (1/77)

In your 30s you realize there are no adults just old tall babies that know words

Makes no sense 🤣🤣🤣 what else could you eat?? 🤣🤣🤣 water?? Air?? 🤣🤣🤣 what a weirdo man

I've often suspected babies are cowards

Started at 6 for me

Everyone seems so mad on here but in real life people seem happy! Or insane

The spotify logo looks a lot like the settings logo so sometimes I'll mix em up and listen to display and brightness for a couple hours

Don't fool yourself, comics. AI's coming for us too. It's new, it's young, & it'll rise fast. Then get depressed when success doesn't make it happy. Then get way too political, move to Austin, and quit. Finally, it'll try to sell feet pics and self destruct

Here’s my Letterboxd top 10 movies of the year. It’s 5 good ones but I sprinkled in 5 obscure pieces of shit to show off my personality

Well I’m not doing anything without my coffee

Because everything about it sucks & doesn’t matter at all. It’s not interesting. There’s no intrigue. Nobody can care about it. You can’t look up to an AI character. You can’t want them. You can’t want to be them. Every human being I’ve ever met is depressed by it. I could go on

I’ve never overheard two smart people talking

It’s amazing to me that at a time when every human being over the age of 1 has a supercomputer an inch from their face at all times, airports still use 25 different bullhorns to make announcements. Put it on the phone! Or just start boarding! We’ll figure it out!

I think most people believe in aliens and just don’t care that much because they’re poor. It’s like who cares. Paris exists too. So do yachts. You want poor people excited bring back Mountain Dew code red. That’ll affect day to day

Never understood the flat earth obsession. Let's say it IS flat. What am I supposed to do now? I still gotta go to work

You can fool all the the people some the time. Some of the people all the time. You can make money at it. And live forever. Go get 'em!

As Time Goes By was 11 years old when Casablanca came out. That'd be like a movie coming out today and the main character saying "Play it again, Sam. Play Uptown Funk"