Michael Carl

Dear fire island housemates, I’m getting these for all of us for next year - can you imagine how cool we will be all bouncing to low tea - we will be the talk of fire island

Last night I realized I was drink away from feeling like Ray Liota

My 5 year old Nephew lifted up my t shirt and told me I had a big tummy 😡 so I told him Santa wasn’t real and that his mom had a drinking problem

Oh hi @BrittanyBabc7 loved seeing the Pooches today on the show - We’ve got Bonnie (the dog) and Moose (the cat) here - dying for a ⭐️ turn on @ABC

Is this thing still working?

Did you know that squirrels 🐿 lose 80% of the nuts they hide?

Michelle Pheiffer is on my flight and it’s taking everything I’ve got not to walk up to her and purr “meow” and lick the back of my hand

Dear Tom - wanna join my fantasy football league next year? - our buy in is just $125 - you can still afford it and you don’t have to worry about her nagging you anymore

I have already put a down payment on two baby giraffes 🦒 Bonnie is going to love hew new sisters

I’d really like to become a “hat guy” but then I know people takes about me they’d say “oh you know that queen that wears the fedora” 🎩

Sometimes the world 🌎 is just too much - sweet jimmy

After spin yesterday I asked the hot straight dude next to me if we should take a shower before we got breakfast - he didn’t miss a beat and said with a grin “sorry, I only take baths” #goodsport

Me after listening to the pivot today - Yes, being exhausted is not an option! @scottgalloway31 @karaswisher

Go see TÁR - The costume design is EVERYTHING and the dialogue is WICKED - KATE is the clear front runner for best actress - whoa 😳

Me: Now that I’ve lost all the weight I feel like my head looks too big Boss: get out of my office 🫤

Zachary Quinto looks like a handsome Lorax

August is the Sunday of months, and the Tuesday after Labor Day weekend is just a Monday playing mind games - awful mind games